Let’s All Make Fun of the Dallas TV Host Who Lost Her Mind Over the Michael Sam Kiss

There’s been a lot of ugly reaction over the past few days to the Michael Sam Kiss Seen Round the World, most it coming from the usual suspects. And by “the usual suspects” I mean the knuckle-dragging idiots on the right, a subset of which is America’s ever-dwindling contingent of terrified pearl-clutchers who consider homosexuality an affront to Jesus and a threat to small children.

Granted, for the most part the response to the image of Michael Sam joyously kissing his boyfriend after learning he’d been drafted into the NFL was positive, but there are still more than a few cultural stragglers out there and they always seem to come back with the most transparent of criticisms. They claim not to have anything against gay people, you know, as a thing, but it’s just that seeing gay people actually behaving like gay people and expressing affection as gay people do — in other words, gay people being gay — well, that’s just all icky and they shouldn’t have to ever be subjected to it.

When that kind of horseshit comes from, say, somebody involved in professional or college sports or with ties to the NFL in particular, maybe it’s worth writing a serious response to and calling out. But when it comes in the form of a pissy meltdown from a bottle-blond Stepford Wife on a local TV version of The View — well, it’s almost impossible to take seriously and not just point and laugh at.

And so we get this, which has been circulating around the internet most of the afternoon and evening: Amy Kushnir, co-host of a morning show imaginatively called The Broadcast, out of Dallas, freaking the fuck out because ESPN’s airing of the Michael Sam kiss momentarily popped the little bubble of white, straight Southern privilege that normally surrounds her and her family and let all that queer from the outside world come rushing in.

Honestly, this thing has to be seen to be believed. While some of her co-hosts do try to put Kushnir in her place, the entire exchange is painful and eventually just degenerates into a toxic cloud of insulated socialite outrage and counter-outrage. It ends with Kushnir getting up and storming off, muttering that she’s “going to Midland,” a town which is not only 330 miles outside of Dallas but also happens to be where George W. Bush’s childhood home is located — in other words, presumably a designated “safe zone” in the event of the Gay Apocalypse.

Fucking Texas. Can we please take off and nuke the entire site from orbit? It’s the only way to be sure.

(This original version of this post stated that George W. Bush’s ranch was in Midland. It’s of course in Crawford. Sorry for the error, although in my defense the little janitors inside my brain have spent the past six years dutifully trying to wipe clean all memories of the Bush era.)

Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.