Oliver Green is a modern life burnout/angeraholic living in Bali, Indonesia and writing about life instead of making things worse by having one.
M A R S
If your house was burning down what would you save? It’s one of those pseudo revealing questions people ask celebrities in interviews that are printed in the backs of Sunday magazines – or speed dating applicants ask each other before going home to their cats and avatars. It gives the actor /model an opportunity to answer the question in such a way that makes themselves look sensitive but also do a public inventory of the stuff they own. It’s a hypothetical question designed to be illustrative because if your house is really on fire, the real question is; which karate kick do you use on which family member to knock them down so you can you clamber over them, the acoustic guitar your father wooed your mother on, the photos of your twin brother who died when you were both 16 and the ballet shoes your great grandmother smuggled through Auschwitz (that made her remember how freedom felt) to get to your laptop and phone and rush them out of the house before the flames melt your memoirs and passwords?
It’s a question of priorities.
But your house isn’t burning down – probably. You, your laptop and your dusty tat are safe and sound. However the world on which your house stands is not in great shape. The Earth is well and truly on fire.
Every serious scientist in the world that doesn’t have oil under his fingernails is now saying that we’ve, “Fucked this planet up right nice…” (their words – not mine) and it seems we’ve reached the point of no return where fixing what we’ve done to Mother earth might not be an option. We really are bunch of Mother Fuckers. You know those movies where someone’s parents leave for the weekend and before they leave they say, “Tyler. Look at me. NO PARTIES.” Well, we are Tyler and we’ve woken up with a pool toy round our midriffs and bong the shape of a penis in our hands and we totally can’t believe what happened to our parents house.
If the world was a house:
The living room would be a bombed out wreckage with a tiny child holding a dolls head in her hand asking no one in particular why the drone killed her Daddy and what genocide is?
The kitchen would be too radioactive to go into and besides you don’t want to wake up the giant nuclear mutant Japanese Lizard that eats cars and destroys cities.
The spare room would be filled with water but not the drinkable kind the angry kind that… floods spare rooms.
The bedroom would be jammed full of sick people all coughing and dying from some medicine resistant epidemic caused by Jenny McCarthy and the vaccine deniers.
The hallway would be one bony polar bear with yellow fur sitting on a stack of unused phonebooks asking to bum a fag. [Note to American readers – ‘fag’ means cigarette. Not ‘gay’ to be bummed].
The Attic would be some middle class English folks putting their bottles and cans in the correct recycling bins and making compost for their allotments with their fingers crossed so hard they make creaking sounds when they shake hands.
And the garage would be filled with Americans taking photos of themselves on the bonnets of their 4WD’s saying “LALALALALA” with their fingers in their ears deciding where to go to brunch.
At worst we are looking at what they call an ‘Extinction Event’ where the human race ends exploding in a rain of plastic confetti and the Earth is left for what ever land creatures and sea creatures remain who can then battle it out for global supremacy finally answering the question every stoned teenager has asked – “who would win in fight between a Shark and Tiger?” At best a few billion people will die including some of the climate change deniers which would be a sweet ‘I told you so’ moment if we weren’t fighting for our lives pretty much constantly and all suicidal because our socks are always damp.
It’s not just the melting icecaps, sea levels and the crazy storms, it’s the inevitable wars over resources, the housing of displaced people and it’s the fact that 1995 flop of a film Water World is about to go from being one of the worst films ever made to being a hard hitting docu-drama with Kevin Costner hailed as a great and important man/fish.
We could – crazy idea – make dramatic changes to the way we live on this planet but it would mean everyone – I mean everyone – would have to all do it at once. Stop using oil to melt steel, stop charging their iPhone, stop eating asparagus from Spain, and probably not have a holiday this year. BUT even if we could agree to give it rest, some prick will melt a bit of steel and build something cool like shopping mall with a rollercoaster in it while the rest of us are darning our trousers with pubic hair and cactus needles. And then we’ll all be like, “Hey look China is still melting steel and eating Spanish asparagus. Fuck this!” And then before you can say, “My iPhone’s fully charged” we’ll all be eating ‘esparragos’ on our new rollercoaster – pinkys out!
So here’s a more sensible thought: Lets move to Mars.
Not crazy at all – it’s actually happening right now. A private expedition called Mars One Colony is looking to start a base by 2025, and more than 200,000 wannabe Martians applied for a spot. They are now in the process of whittling that number down to a manageable 1058 and then sending them up to MARS to live in a corridor. And the whole thing is being funded by TV rights to the mission. It’s high stakes Big Brother.
Using reality show mechanics is as good a way as any to start a new world I guess what are the other options? We could do what the Bible suggests and just take a man and a women ADAM and EVE style and populate the new world from that rather limited gene pool – but I think Christianity shows us what a bunch of inbred retards that technique produces, so maybe a world full of Snookis and Mike-the-Situations isn’t bad. It’s definitely the way the population of this planet’s heading anyway.
If the world were 100 people:
3 of them would be using tired old ‘If the world were 100 people’ trope to try and make themselves look ‘insightful’.
38 of them would say “LIKE” every second word and would, like, need to, like, be like, beaten to death with an UGG boot filled with, like, rocks.
12 of them would be about to tell someone at a party what their tattoo means.
7 of them would be the type that says, “You’re welcome” before you’ve said, “Thank you.”
2 of them would be making a child cry with their genitals.
7 of them would currently be learning Capoeira.
16 of them hate your stupid guts because you don’t think a bearded deity pushes you round a chess board for shits and giggles.
6 of them use celebrity’s first names when they talk about them – like they know them – “Kate’s getting a divorce – I think she’ll always love Johnny.”
5 of them would be needlessly making new business jargon by pushing two perfectly good words together – “Creat-egy sess on the digit-ainment st-reative?”
1 out of the 100 people would be perfect – lets say that person is you and a few more famous, better looking, talented and capable ‘you’s’.
So we’re looking for that 1 person.
The other thing we need to take out of this burning house of a planet to our shining new world are a shit load of ‘pinnacle of human achievement and cultural excellence blah blah’ stuff.
If the world was an Amazon.com order:
1% of stuff you’d hit the share your purchase on FaceBook Button.
3% you’d get sent to your work and happily open at your desk.
96% you’re thankful comes in that anonymous brown Amazon Box.
So we’re looking for that 1%
So me, ‘you’, a few other people and awesome stuff. Stick it into the rocket and lets start a brave new world on the red planet and maybe we can send our children’s kids back to Earth when apes are talking, riding horses, wearing bondage gear and using hairdryers.
I’ve made a start on the inventory of the best things this burning world has to offer right now – feel free to tweet me if I’ve missed something. It’s broken down into four areas.
Apart from hairstylists, tarot readers, baristas and other essential personal…
Isn’t it time we had a black president?
As one of the greatest comic creations of all time we need him on Mars. ‘Kanye West’ is actually a 20 year comedy project by Joaquin Phoenix and a host of expert effects practitioners from Hollywood. Have you ever seen Kanye West and Joaquin Phoenix in the same room? Exactly.
We can use his erection as an underarm deodorant.
Ginger Headed People
Blondes are for sex and television. Brunettes are for judgmental comments and politics. Black haired people are for casting spells and murdering. Baldies are for ignoring. We don’t know what the ginger folk are for yet. They have not revealed their thing and I don’t want to miss the moment when the fire-folk rise and take what’s theirs.
An Uncomfortable Goth
Nothing cheers people up like watching a Goth that’s having a shitty time.
Teenage Girls (6)
It’s not what you think. The current generation of teenage girls are the greatest documentarians the world has ever known. They are busy recording and commenting on every facet of their lives and the lives of the people around them in ridiculous multi media detail from the moment they wake to the moment they sleep bringing them would be like when people buy a goat instead of a lawn mower.
Apart from boxsets, monopoly and Russian roullete…
The Music Of The Wutang Clan
Making whitey wanna wild-out since 1992! The Wu be how middle class white boys in their 40’s get they hairbrush–mirror-cypher-battles ON, son! My mate Barry plays along to them on his electric guitar after mountain climbing… but he is an A&R.
If you haven’t taken MDMA or ecstasy as it’s often called the clue is in the name – its not called ‘Quite Good’ MARS needs a little bit of relief and we can’t take booze because it makes people sing Oasis songs and get teenagers pregnant. We can’t take weed because there’s shit that needs to get done and basking on a sofa while you ask, “Does my voice sound funny?” isn’t going to help. But a little ecstasy every now and then is just the thing to help prevent un-partying.
If you’re napping in your bed you’re doing it wrong and it’s disgraceful. That’s called a ‘little sleep’ and it’s what children do. Grown ups nap on places other than their beds or they stay awake all day – them’s the rules. Acceptable alternatives include hammocks, meadows, work toilets and behind the wheel on long road trips.
Except the ones on matters of the spirit – they’re like watching ones parents take a shower together.
It’s impossible to be in a bad mood around a dog. That in itself is reason enough to take them. However, the real reason is so that they can reveal aliens. Those familiar with The Terminator will know that dogs are awesome at sniffing out bad-guys, but it doesn’t work the way it does in the movies. To reveal alien life forms all one has to do is put sunglasses on the dog and if the ‘person’ doesn’t laugh we push the ‘person’ out of the airlock.
Apart from space station tools and silver rolls of aluminum foil…
Easily the most underrated temperature of all the temperatures. Room temperature surrounds one in the most unassuming and helpful way making it possible to gulp beverages without brain freeze or scalding and allows one walk around in ones undies whilst scratching at ones perineum even when it’s minus 25 degrees Celsius which, on Mars it is.
Stick On Googly Eyes
These little black and white ocular accessories can turn anything into a face and once it has a face it can become a pet – as Gary Dahl inventor of the pet rock discovered in the 1970’s by performing a complicated transplant that blinded a Kermit the frog doll but gave site to pebble the size of a child’s fist.
Very important. Imagine a new world with only comic sans. Or New Times Roman. No one would take the warning signs seriously and no one would come to any of the social clubs raucous bashes where they flood airlock 4 with too much oxygen, toke air and get loose!
I have this feeling that the whole beard thing is going to come to a very abrupt halt and men that aren’t actually lumberjacks are going to catch a glimpse of themselves and think – “Am I… trying too hard?” realise they are and rush for the clippers which we’ll have waiting next to a glass of milk and a cookie.
There’ll definitely be a moment where the whole mission hinges on a paper clip. Standard issue for a venture like this.
Apart from bacon and bacon and bacon…
You’d think Not Gluten would be the absence of a thing but it’s not. Gluten Free is a thing and it’s a thing we’ll be taking because if there’s gluten on Mars then umm, look. It will be bad! Gluten is… Stupid gluten. Grrr gluten (what is gluten?)
Coffee is liquid procrastination… and then it’s liquid panic. Nervous juice for bored, weary minded people who are too afraid of themselves to take real drugs. We’ll bring tonnage.
Cold Pressed Anything
Cold pressing removes the ‘badness’ from foods whilst adding the opportunity to talk about the food you have just cold pressed in a way that makes you look like you know a lot about nutrients and food. It also fills the cold presser with a feeling of smugness which wards off scurvy apparently.
I don’t know what it is. A leaf? Apparently it’s causing cancer or curing it… I don’t know but I’m not risking the backlash. Kale comes.
Still can’t be topped.
That’s it. All that’s worth saving. Or maybe we should just bring our laptops and phones.