The Best Insults, Offensive Statements, and Inanity To Ever Come Out Of North Korea

Oh North Korea, you endless trove of “I have to laugh or I’ll cry” bits of insane rhetoric that wouldn’t make it in an action movie but yet somehow end up as direct quotes in newspapers, you’ve gone and done it again.

The Telegraph reports that comments issued on Sunday by the Committee for the Peaceful Reunification of Korea (CPRK), the North’s state-run KCNA news agency, labelled South Korean leader Park Geun-hye a “crafty prostitute” under the control of “a powerful pimp,” our own Barack Obama. The statement added that Pyongyang is prepared for “an all-out nuclear battle.”

And while it’s always fun to get the chance to write “crafty prostitute” in a news article, let’s take a look back at some of the other all-time great insults, offensive statements, and just pure inanity that’s come out of that place over the years…

– While visiting a military outpost on Monday, Kim Jong-un advised his soldiers to “break the waists of the crazy enemies.

– They had a parade to show off a bunch of poorly-constructed fake missiles that they were trying to pass off as the real thing…

– Kim Jong Il claimed he invented the hamburger in order to “feed quality bread and french fries to university students, professors and researchers.

– “If South Korea dares ‘to impair the dignity of (the North) again and fire one bullet or shell toward its inviolable territorial waters, sky and land, the deluge of fire on Yonphyong Island will lead to that in Chongwadae and the sea of fire in Chongwadae to the deluge of fire sweeping away the stronghold of the group of traitors.” – North Korea’s military supreme command denouncing the South’s anniversary military exercise as a rehearsal for war against the North .

– They spent $15 making their official website.

– Kim Jong Il once claimed to have golfed a 38-under-par round of 34 at Pyongyang golf course, despite having just picked up a club for the first time that day.

– Whatever this bit of North Korean propaganda is trying to go for:

– American and South Korean troops found underground tunnels that ran deep into South Korean territory, each large enough to have accommodated rapid movement of up to 30,000 troops an hour, which led the North to apologize, simply claiming that they hand’t meant to tunnel that far…

– When Kim John-Nam, the eldest son of Kim Jong-Il, was arrested in Narita International Airport in Japan on a fake Dominican passport with the Chinese name Pang Xiong (“fat bear” in English), he admitted he was trying to go to Disneyland.

– In 1978 Kim Jong Il arranged for two South Korean directors to be kidnapped from Hong Kong, which resulted in the cult Godzilla rip-off Pulgasari:

So don’t get too bogged down with all this “crafty prostitute” stuff. It is but a drop in a sea of fire of absurd things coming out of North Korea.

God help us all.