THE MORNING BANTER: Security Bugs, Russia Warnings, Geocentric Theories, and 20-Year Old Offspring

Happy Wednesday! Ten deep breaths and tons of coffee! Here’s what’s happening on the interweb:

1. Critical Security Bug ‘Heartbleed’ Hits Up To 66 Percent Of The Internet

As much as 66 percent of the Web may have been compromised by a newly revealed security flaw called Heartbleed. The flaw has apparently been around for almost two years, meaning all the panic you’re currently doing is for naught. Accept your fate.

2. Russia Warns of Civil War If Ukraine Uses force To Quell Eastern Revolts

Russia warned Tuesday that any use of force in Ukraine’s eastern region could lead to civil war, as Kiev seeks to regain control after pro-Moscow uprisings in three cities. Instead, Russia asserts, Ukraine will have to just ask really, really nicely (though any uses of whipped cream or cherries on top will be seen as signs of aggression).

3. New Documentary Claims the Sun Revolves Around the Earth

“Because this is the new world. This is God’s special planet. Of course we’re the center of the universe — everything can’t help but be drawn to us by the giant vacuum between our culture’s collective ears.” – Chez Pazienza

4. The Offspring’s ‘Smash’: The Little Punk LP That Defeated the Majors

Twenty years ago yesterday, Epitaph Records released what would become the best-selling independent album ever. Rolling Stone put together an oral history of the album chronicling all the facts, the myths, and the reasons why you got to keep them separated.

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