The notorious super-villains comprising a United Nations’ scientific panel have released a threat to the rest of the world that soon our planet will be no more.
While it’s unclear exactly what they want in exchange for holding the world ransom, the 32-volume document released Monday morning claims that because of a weapon they have dubbed “Global Warming,” all of humanity is now on a collision course with disaster.
“Nobody on this planet is going to be untouched by the impacts of climate change!” Rajendra Pachauri, Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change chairman and pictured below, announced in a Monday news conference.
Princeton University professor Michael Oppenheimer one of the main authors of the 32-volume ransom note referred to the global population as “all sitting ducks.”
The Associated Pressreports that, “After several days of late-night wrangling, more than 100 governments unanimously signed off” that they understood the situation in front of them in hopes that the world’s other political leaders would acknowledge it as well.
And while super villains holding the world hostage is nothing new (see: Dr. Evil’s Liquid Hot Magma Drill, C. Montgomery Burns’ Sun-Blocking Machine, etc.), this latest threat is one of the most grandiose, far-reaching to ever even be uttered.
“Some places will have too much water, some not enough, including drinking water,” the document claims, adding that it will, “worsen problems that society already has, such as poverty, sickness, violence and refugees. And on the other end, it will act as a brake slowing down the benefits of a modernizing society, such as regular economic growth and more efficient crop production.”
Insinuating that storms like 2013’s Typhoon Haiyan, 2012’s Superstorm Sandy and 2008’s Cyclone Nargis were just a tip of the iceberg (which they claim to be melting at an exponential rate, for some nefarious purpose), the evil scientists then proclaimed, “Increasing magnitudes of warming increase the likelihood of severe, pervasive, and irreversible impacts!”
Describing something eerily similar to that of Ra’as Al Ghul’s plan to sack Gotham City, co-author Maarten van Aalst said that the effects of their “Global Warming” weapon “will increase the gaps between the rich and poor, healthy and sick, young and old, and men and women.”
Virginia Burkett of the U.S. Geological Survey, called Global Warming “maybe one of the greatest known risks we face.”
And time is of the essence.
The super-villain scientists say that if nothing is done, “the world is looking at another about 6 or 7 degrees Fahrenheit (3.5 or 4 degrees Celsius) of warming by 2100.”
It’s unclear exactly how the world and its leaders will respond, but as co-author Patricia Romero-Lankao grimly let a global population on its knees that we “have a closing window of opportunity,” reminding us that “we do have choices,” but that “we need to act now.”