The Gwyneth Paltrowization of Life

Two days ago, Gwyneth Paltrow announced via her website, goop, that she and her husband Chris Martin would be divorcing.  Well, she didn’t actually say that…

She actually called it a “conscious uncoupling.” And doesn’t that sound so much better?

That’s because everything sounds better when you Paltrowize it!

It’s not daily conversation anymore, it’s applied lexiphanicism! And it doesn’t matter if your friends, family members, and endless media outlets tell you to stop because you sound ridiculous. You’ll be so far down a rabbit hole of pompous self-delusion that you won’t even hear them. Try it out!

You head to make some cereal in the morning and discover that the milk has gone bad? Just say that the protean lactose began its journey!

Your kid realized you named her Apple and ran away from home? You can just say she began the process of progenitor liberation!

Here are some other Paltrowisms that can help you convince others, and maybe even yourself, that your life isn’t a constant shitstorm that will one day end in a lonely, unknown death:

Job Loss  Spontaneous Vocational Metamorphosis

Bankruptcy – A Relief from Monetary Burdens.

Hair Loss – Scalp Rediscovery

Vomiting – Esophageal Awakening (Diarrhea – Colonic Awakening)

Dead iPhone Battery – A Grounded Digital Retreat

Failing a Test – Practicing Cerebral Self-Denial

Missing a Flight – Terrestrial Reacquaintance

AIDS – Antibody Isolation and Detox System

War – Emotional Actualization

Famine – Extended Fasting

Weight Gain – [Does Not Compute]

Now you’re just a sociopathic personal trainer and an affair with your ex away from living a healthy, chimeric life like Gwyneth!

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