THE MORNING BANTER: Virtual Reality, Drunk Secret Service Agents, Affluenza, and Puff Daddy

Happy Wednesday! The exclamation points make it feel like it’s real. Here’s what’s happening on the interweb:

1. Facebook Just Bought the World’s Most Advanced Virtual Reality Machine for $2 Billion

Facebook is acquiring Oculus VR, the makers of the immersive virtual reality Oculus Rift headset, for about $2 billion. The deal includes $400 million in cash and 23.1 million shares of Facebook stock, plus the potential for $300 million of additional cash and stock. All this so Zuckerburg can come even closer to experiencing what it’s like to have friends.

2. Secret Service Agents Sent Home For Disciplinary Reasons From Netherlands Before Obama Trip

The Secret Service sent three agents home from the Netherlands just before President Barack Obama’s arrival after one agent was found inebriated in an Amsterdam hotel, the Secret Service said Tuesday. The agents claim, however, that they only smelled like alcohol because the prostitutes they had just finished sleeping with were drunk.

3. L’Wren Scott Did Not Commit Suicide, She Was Killed by Affluenza

“Scott’s desire to keep up with the Joneses (or the Jaggers, Armanis, and Jacobs in her case) was so crucial to her sense of self, that admitting weakness and vulnerability were out of the question. For the fashion icon, it was either success or death, and nothing in between.”

4. P Diddy Decides To Go Back To “Puff Daddy” 

The moniker change-up will accompany a new album, reportedly named MMM. It will be the rapper’s first album since 2010’s Last Train to Paris, and his last before the inevitable psychotic breakdown where he carves “Sean P Puffy Diddy Daddy Combs” across his chest with a broken platinum record.