THE MORNING BANTER: Here Comes World War III, Christians Slam “Noah,” Sexting Suicide, and Masturbation Clubs

Happy Friday. Hopefully you’re ready for the weekend, but before you head out the door to get underway with it, here’s some random internet nonsense. This should pass the time nicely.

1. The U.S. and E.U. are getting together to tag-team Nikolai Volkoff. They’d just better beware of that bearhug.

The Guardian: US and EU Impose Sanctions and Warn Russia to Relent in Ukraine Standoff

2. And speaking of that, let’s terrify the hell out of ourselves for a little bit, shall we? Here it is, your worst case scenario.

The Week: What Would a U.S./Russia War Look Like?

3. Okay, say it with me: There’s no way this movie can be “historically inaccurate” because there was no fucking history — the flood never happened. Jesus Christ. Literally.

Raw Story: Russell Crowe Film ‘Noah’ Edited to Appease Christians Upset by ‘Historical Inaccuracies’

4. Harrowing and heartbreaking, this is one of those stories that will stay with you for a while.

Rolling Stone: Sexting, Shame and Suicide

5. This is the best headline you’ll read all day.

Vice: Examining the Pull of Group Masturbation Parties

Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.