THE MORNING BANTER: Ukraine at War, Oscar Winners, Conservative Hopelessness, and How To Get Drunk Faster

Another Monday is here and so it’s time to hop back into the little wheel in your cage and get to running. Here are some internet goodies to help distract you from your pain.

1. War Ensemble

As far as Ukraine and Russian are concerned, war has already begun. Russia has now taken control of several strategic targets within the Crimean peninsula, Russian flags have been raised in some areas of mainland Ukraine, and bloodshed seems to be a foregone conclusion at this point. Secretary of State Kerry is condemning Putin’s “act of aggression” and President Obama has pulled out of preps for the G8. Happy Monday.

CNN: Ukraine Mobilizes Troops After Russia’s ‘Declaration of War’

Mediaite: WATCH: The Russian Invasion of Crimea Begins

2. And the Winners Are…

Meanwhile, here at home, news of far more importance.

USA Today: 2014 Academy Awards: All of the winners

3. I’m With Stupid

A roast of Joe Arpaio was of course going to include jokes about how the wait and kitchen staff at the event had already made a run for it. But that’s just the beginning of the fun at this year’s Western Conservative Conference. If you want to see what’s going to be written on American conservatism’s tombstone, read this piece from start to finish.

Media Matters: Joe Arpaio’s Racist Roast And Other Stories From The Western Conservative Conference

4. Drink Responsibly

This is the most important thing you will read today.

The New Republic: What’s the Fastest Way to Get Drunk? Here’s What Science Says.

5. Wrong as Rain

It’s one of those complaints I used to make constantly when I worked in TV news, but good luck ever getting some priapic idiot’s thick skull: “This is a very dangerous situation. You need to take this seriously and stay away from it. Meanwhile, since I was given super-powers along with my journalism degree from Paducah Junior College, I can ignore everything I just warned you about because doing so will look really cool on TV.”

Gawker: NBC News Reporter Gets His Dumb Ass Stuck in a Mudslide

6. The Lizard King

And last week we posted the mind-blowing full-length trailer for the upcoming Godzilla reboot. If you’d like a little more insight to what you were seeing in the rapid-fire onslaught of scenes from the movie, here’s director Gareth Edwards walking you through it.

Empire: Empire’s Godzilla Trailer Breakdown With Director Gareth Edwards

Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever. 

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