12 Viral Headlines From The Future That Will Cause Your Brain To Leak Out Of Your Ears

As viral websites continue to plague the internet with shameless link bait, the headlines are getting more and more desperate in the never-ending quest drive up page views. Here’s the latest Facebook post from Viral Nova:

A cute dog, an emotionally manipulative headline about an old person needing to see something before they die, and a teaser that will make you watch the whole thing till the end. Or in other words, “CLICK THIS NOW OR AN OLD PERSON DIES!”

On the front page of Viral Nova, this story ran today:

They should just write, “THIS ARTICLE ISN’T THAT SHOCKING BUT I SOMEHOW GOT TO MENTION PEOPLE DYING. ARE YOU INTERESTED YET?”

So where does all this end? What lengths will troll sites like Viral Nova go to in order to keep people clicking on their crap? Well here are some titles we can expect to look forward to in 2015 (about as far into the internet future as one can really go):

THIS ARTICLE STOPPED ME KILLING A PUPPY. IF YOU DON’T READ IT, ANOTHER PUPPY DIES

THIS STORY SHOCKED ME SO MUCH IT MADE MY PENIS GROW 4 INCHES

YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS OR I AM GOING TO KILL SMALL CHILD

GUESS WHAT I’M GOING TO DO TO MY WRISTS WITH THIS KNIFE. READ IF YOU WANT TO STOP ME

ONLY THE VERY END OF THIS VIDEO WILL STOP AFRICANS FROM DYING

THIS VIDEO IS SO AMAZING YOU’LL NEVER BE TRULY HAPPY UNLESS YOU SEE IT

WHAT’S UNDER YOUR SOFA RIGHT NOW WILL EITHER KILL YOU OR HELP YOU LIVE FOREVER

YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN DID THE NIGHT BEFORE HE DIED

THE ONE SECRET SEX MOVE THAT WILL STOP YOUR PARTNER LEAVING YOU

THIS VIDEO WENT FROM OK, TO MEDIUM TO GREAT, TO AMAZING, TO STUPENDOUS, TO MONUMENTAL, TO HORRIFYING, TO BEYOND COMPREHENSION TO ANOTHER WORD I CAN’T EVEN THINK OF

THIS BOY WITH MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY WILL MAKE YOU CHANGE YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS

THIS GIRL WAS TIED TO A TRAIN TRACK. YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE TRAIN RAN HER OVER

Or you can just get excited that it’s only a few months into 2014 and we’re already breaking records for friendship adorableness…

Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.