Jesus Is Coming Back and He’ll Be Armed With an AR-15

Jerry Boykin, the nutjob who runs the Family Research Council, delivered an address to the WallBuilders’ Pro-Family Legislators Conference where he ranted about the Second Amendment and how owning a firearm is “biblical.” Oh, and he also said that when Jesus returns he’ll be packing heat — specifically an AR-15, the weapon used at Aurora and Sandy Hook to kill women and children in cold blood. Via Right Wing Watch:

The Lord is a warrior and in Revelation 19 it says when he comes back, he’s coming back as what? A warrior. A might warrior leading a mighty army, riding a white horse with a blood-stained white robe … I believe that blood on that robe is the blood of his enemies ’cause he’s coming back as a warrior carrying a sword.

And I believe now – I’ve checked this out – I believe that sword he’ll be carrying when he comes back is an AR-15.

Now I want you to think about this: where did the Second Amendment come from? … From the Founding Fathers, it’s in the Constitution. Well, yeah, I know that. But where did the whole concept come from? It came from Jesus when he said to his disciples ‘now, if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.’

I know, everybody says that was a metaphor. IT WAS NOT A METAPHOR! He was saying in building my kingdom, you’re going to have to fight at times. You won’t build my kingdom with a sword, but you’re going to have to defend yourself. And that was the beginning of the Second Amendment, that’s where the whole thing came from. I can’t prove that historically and David [Barton] will counsel me when this is over, but I know that’s where it came from.

And the sword today is an AR-15, so if you don’t have one, go get one. You’re supposed to have one. It’s biblical.

“You’re supposed to have one. It’s biblical.” So we’ve gone from being allowed to have one if we choose, to the Bible telling us we’re supposed to own one.

Pro-gun zealots obviously believe their right to own any firearm they choose is endowed and protected by God. Worse, there’s no real way to counter-argue against someone who’s so willing to cherry-pick biblical passages and twist them to their own agenda. This is why arguing against a belief is impossible.

Nevertheless, we’re supposed to accept that someone who said, “Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword,” is going to return to our realm carrying an AR-15. This is like saying that Jesus will return drinking a soda that’s too large to be enjoyed in New York City, and that the first place he’ll stop is at Steve Stockman’s condemned campaign headquarters where he’ll drink Bud Lights and troll Democrats on Twitter with Stockman, Ted Nugent and Louie Gohmert.

I mean, let’s look at this realistically. He’s Jesus. The Son of God. Don’t you think that if he seriously needed a weapon to accessorize his return he’d grab the nearest stockpile of ICBMs and let fly, smiting his enemies in mushroom clouds of fire and radiation?

Or, better yet, what about a weapon we’ve never heard of, like a supernatural beam of pure energy that instantly vaporizes evildoers? Seriously, Zeus had lightning bolts — he didn’t settle for spears or pikes or whatever the ancient Greeks were using at the time. Do we really believe Jesus would arm himself with something that could malfunction at the worst possible time? Then again, he’d be able to transform anything into additional cartridges — fishes, loaves, water, etc. So there’s that. But if I was Jesus, and I needed to do some damage, I’d conjure a crazy powerful super-heated plasma that’d shoot out of my eyes like Superman. But that’s me.