A Facebook status update has confirmed what you had previously thought to just be rumor: that one friend of yours is now mining Dogecoins.
You had brushed off previous declarations about this friend’s new occupation because of the excessive inebriation of those who had originally told you, but an accompanying image of said friend at his computer making it rain with a stack of $1 bills was enough proof to convince you that this is, in fact, a reality.
And while you are only vaguely familiar with the new crypto-currency, this friend is expected to correct your pronunciation of it ad nauseam, reminding you, “It’s pronounced DOJE-coin, you luddite.”
He is also expected to begin saying things like “digital wallet,” “mining pools,” and “block rewards” out of context, before comparing this whole process to the more well-known Bitcoin currency.
“It’s like your turning your computer into a printing press for cash,” he will proclaim, not mentioning that these online wallets are susceptible to major hacks like the one that happened on Christmas.
He will call it “an online tipping currency,” claiming that it’s perfect for those situations when you want to throw someone a tip for things like posting a great photo of you on Facebook or answering a question of yours on Reddit. Your protesting that you have never felt the urge to tip someone online will fall on deaf ears though, as he will be playing with the Dogecoin Mining Profitability Calculator app on his phone.
Sources say that he is considering buying a Shiba Inu…
There is a good probability that the next time you see this friend, he will excitedly tell you that in Dogecoin’s short existence, the value of all Dogecoins in existence has skyrockted from zero to more than $8 million. He will then wrongly extrapolate that to mean that he will, in only a few short weeks, become a millionaire. This friend will then start to list things that he plans to buy. A white tiger, an above-ground pool full of Jello, and a mint condition Super Nintendo with extra controllers will all most likely be on this list. You will have to remind him that white tigers and Shiba Inu’s might not play well together.
And when, after doing some research on the subject yourself, you bring up that thanks to the rise of dedicated hardware, mining has become increasingly professionalized, therefore undermining (PUN!) the pivotal concept of decentralization that it relies upon , he will plug his ears with his fingers and begin shouting “La-la-la I can’t hear you” on repeat.
When you point out that as of January 14th, one bitcoin is worth around $825 while one dogecoin is worth $0.00031, or basically nothing, he is expected to blurt out that you don’t know anything about anything anyway, and that you’ve never been supportive of him and his dreams.
You will then be forced to embrace him with a fraternal love that is timeless and unconditional before making a mental note to clear a space on your couch when he can no longer pay rent after spending all his time mining non-existent money.