It’s 2014, a brand new year full of hope and promises! While we must be optimistic about the year ahead, we must also bear in mind how we as a species did in 2013 so that we may learn to do better.
With that being said, here’s a look at the biggest winners and losers of the past 12 months:
All he had to do was to be born and one day he’ll be King. There aren’t many careers for life left in this world. Even less so ones that you never even have to apply for. Not the easiest of jobs, given all the hand shaking, small-talk, openings of bridges/buildings, State dinners, traveling to meet fellow Kings and Queens of the world.
Still he has 18 years till he has to do any real Royal duties. For the foreseeable future, George will be carted round occasionally to events and appear in the rare, but re-arranged photo-call. He’ll have a protected life, filled with private school and hanging out with the Queen.
Winning rating: 9/10.
Where would George be without Kate? She’s made it into the winners simply because she’s produced the future King of the British Commonwealth. Hardly anyone ever gets to say that.
The press also seem to like the fact she wears the same outfit more than once, as if this is some new phenomenon. Yes, everyone, people wear the same stuff all the time. It’s called a washing machine.
Winning rating: 9/10 (would be unfair to give George a higher rating than his mother.)
Yes, Lindsay made it. And, if it doesn’t get any better, she now doesn’t take drugs or drinks anymore. She went into rehab and came out fixed. It’s terribly exciting. Will power is a crazy thing. You think to yourself, ‘I won’t take drugs anymore,’ and then you do just that. Totally crazy, right?
And if her life doesn’t get any better, Oprah has taken an interest and given her a reality show so we can all witness Lindsay’s ups and downs and see she’s a ‘real’ person. But that’s not out till next year. Definitely something to look forward to.
Winning rating: 4/10
The poor guy has been stuck as Brody in Homeland for the last three series, playing the anti-hero of all anti-heroes. He’s been a potential suicide bomber, a murderer, a terrorist, a double agent, a triple agent, a heroin addict and now he’s been put out of his misery by a crane and some rope.
Winning rating: 10/10
This really was her year. And the reason why? Because she’s just like us, ok? She’s the same as you and me. She’s just a regular human being, all gangly and unbalanced and clumsy. Give her some stairs and she’ll fall right up them. Give her a magazine interview and she’ll tell you that people have called her fat, and that is really not on. Jennifer is real. And she’s won an Oscar. And she’s only 23.
Winning rating 8/10
Losers of 2013
The Kardashian family (and I include Kanye West, just in case you wondered where he’ll end up. He doesn’t even get his own section now. This is what happens when you affiliate yourself with the Kardashians.)
Khloe has broken up with Lamar. Kris has broken up with Bruce. Scott needs to go to rehab. Kourtney wants another baby. Kim has a baby. Kanye is shouty and angry with everyone. Rob can’t cope and has turned to food. I mean honestly. It’s too much for even a failing reality show to keep up with.
The number one charity fund of 2014 may well be: “Please donate to buy a private island so we can send the Kardashians and their affiliates where they won’t bother anyone or have access to any video cameras or the internet.” I predict this won’t take long to raise the necessary funds.
What started off as a brain dead reality show following the life of Kim Kardashian around as she sold her soul to anyone or anything has now become quite a scarily controlled PR machine that uses family and friendships and relationships to get viewers.
Loser rating: 10/10
We all know the boy is young (and annoying). We all know that he’s in that awkward phase of the boy-becoming-a-man stage. He’s been on the longest world tour in living memory. But really, is that any excuse to be a rude, spoilt brat? The short answer is no. The longer answer involves his management team (poor), his family (where are they?), his security team (remember the picture of him being carried on their shoulders along the Great Wall of China? If someone asks you to do that and they’re not your child under 5 the answer is always no) and Justin. Someone really needs to sit him down and say no very loudly and in an over enunciated way and maybe also pointing a finger at him too. It really is unacceptable to walk through airports without a t-shirt on. For anyone.
I hope Justin’s 2014 is filled with reality checks, sensible people, early nights, no singing, no dancing, putting on a shirt (at all times except in private if it’s really necessary), reading books and being quiet.
Loser rating: Off the scale (I am loathe to write 12/10 because that doesn’t make sense, but you get my meaning).
Her aim to just do what she wants has succeeded. Her ambition to be photographed and interviewed like there’s no tomorrow has been achieved. The column inches dedicated to Miley’s MTV twerking incident has exceeded all possible expectations. Miley, once just a Disney actress with her own TV show, has now grown into an entirely separate crazy, monstrous machine.
No Miley, your choice of dress is not a feminist statement. And no, sticking your tongue out in every photograph is not cute/endearing/vaguely interesting. You’ve surely earned enough money to buy yourself a nice beach house and retire. Either that, or just start dressing appropriately. My standards aren’t that high.
Loser rating: 8/10
Hands up if you thought Charlie had been through the worst of it? Wrong. He remains at an even keel of mutual destruction to those around him. His ex-ex-wife Denise Richards offers to look after his twin from his ex-wife who went to rehab for the 3000th time to try and stop taking crystal meth, which in anyone’s book is surely a nice thing. He has since fallen out with Denise, over Twitter (the obvious medium to have discussions of such personal nature) and posted pictures of broken baseball bats and telling his collection of exes to go fuck themselves.
Charlie is a perfect example of why drugs are bad, why Hollywood can be bad, and why having people around you who tell you that you’re brilliant is really bad.
Loser rating: Catastrophically high.
Gisele Bundchen/Miranda Kerr
What are they doing in the losers, you’re wondering? Well, no one likes a smug show off and that is why Gisele has made it. Yes, she’s beautiful. Yes she has a hugely successful career as a supermodel. She’s happily married. Blah blah blah. I have nothing against any of this.
What annoys me (and I’m not alone) is her smugness. It’s really the photos posted on Twitter of her doing yoga with her daughter in some glamorous beach location.
And this is the same for Miranda. Always the selfie whilst doing something glam. We get it. You’re super happy with everything.
OK. Maybe I am slightly envious of their decision to be so bloody optimistic and bloody happy about every bloody thing. It’s something I’ll work on in 2014.
Loser rating: 9/10