14 Ways to Diet Without Losing Weight

As someone who has been on a steady diet for the last 5 years without the pesky side effects of having to buy new ‘thin’ clothes, gain self esteem or attract a lover, I feel uniquely qualified to write this article. Below are 14 ways to spin your wheels, waste money on diet food and be starving all of the time without losing so much as an ounce!

1.) Make Sure Your Metabolism Slows to a Crawl

Starve yourself all day. Then, pig out on your roommate’s leftover Chinese food because at this point you’re as hungry as a werewolf on a full moon and have about as much control. Plus, you’ve obviously earned it.

2) Exercise

Nothing too strenuous or you’ll just make yourself hungry. Billiards, Wii golf and beer pong all come to mind.

3) Shop at Health Food Stores

You’re definitely eating healthy because it’s from whole foods. Yes, you can have the pizza…it’s organic, stupid!

4) Eat Fruit

Or Fruit snacks, whatever.

5) Follow Four Different Diets at Once

If you feel like eating froyo, go ahead. That’s low cal. If you feel like eating steak, be your guest! It’s says in the Atkins diet that steak is not why you’re fat. Want a potato? A caveman would eat that. Cheese? French Women Don’t Get Fat!!!

6) Count Calories

Tally each thing you eat, but don’t actually write the numbers down. You can count it up at the end of the day, you’ll remember. Just leave it to your unbiased, computer-like brain.

7) Dine Out

Trust that the chef has your waistline in mind. He looks like a pretty good guy.

8) Cigarettes

Just smoking makes you lose weight. Plus, you look cool doing it.

9) Split Your Cheat Day Into Individual Meals

Some diets allow a ‘cheat day’; instead of wasting all that pleasure on one day, have one cheat meal a day, four days a week (I eat four meals a day.) This will make dieting much more bearable so you won’t be as prone to binging.

10) Screw Up Early in the Day, Give Up

Once you’ve had a snickers bar for breakfast, the whole day is a crapshoot. You might as well eat whatever you want today, and try again tomorrow. Consider this your cheat day.

11) Avoid Vegetables

You don’t want to hate your diet, so why eat things you don’t love? That’s not sustainable.

12) Sexercise

Sex burns calories, even if you just lay there like a lump on a log. Team sports count, right?

13) Jamba Juice

‘Nuff said. Enjoy that peanut butter chocolate shake (with wheatgrass.)

14) The Half Bottle of Chardonnay Doesn’t Count

You’ve had a rough day of dieting; you deserve a drink(s). Plus, there aren’t any calories in wine, if there were they’d have to print it on the bottle. It’s the law.

If by some terrible chance you DO end up losing weight, fear not! Repeat steps 1-14 and fear not! You’ll gain it back.