Gwyneth Paltrow Hosts Show About Unfamiliar Topic: Adversity

In an AOL web series debuting December 16, two skinny, yellow-haired, rich white ladies will visit and interview women less fortunate than themselves who have made over their lives with healthy diet and exercise choices. Already the stuff of nightmares, it gets even worse when you learn that the hosts are Gwyneth Paltrow and her celebrity trainer/business partner/BFF/dangerous-supplement pusher, Tracy Anderson.

You’re surely familiar with actress Gwyneth Paltrow, privileged-from-birth Oscar-winner, rock-star wife, and recipient of Star magazine’s prestigious “Most Hated Celebrity” award. To solidify her position as most annoying actress — and perhaps to wrest it back from Anne Hathaway — Paltrow made the odious leap from her many successful ventures to “lifestyle guru” with the launch of GOOP. The site/email newsletter/app offers such lily-white, upper-crust recommendations for living that Paltrow makes Martha Stewart seem warm and relatable by comparison.

Making fun of Gwyneth Paltrow? I know, too easy.

But it has been an on-again, off-again pastime for me since the early 1990s, when I read interviews with her that described her harrowing experience working as a hostess at a fancy restaurant once during college, and how when showering after gym class at her fancy boarding school, Paltrow looked at a classmate’s presumably inferior nakedness and remarked, “Isn’t it interesting how people’s bodies are so different?” That same article also mentioned how family friend Steven Spielberg had to pull some strings to get Paltrow into UC Santa Barbara because her grades were so shitty. (Not Yale, mind you. UC Santa Barbara.)

And how can I resist with Gwynnie gems such as these plastered all over GOOP?:

“For over a decade now, I have had a thick, gorgeous vintage grey cashmere Michael Kors cape, that I always travel with. Funnily enough, I ran into Michael on a flight where he noticed I was rocking his cape, probably in a less chic manner than he would have liked, my six month old daughter and I lay wrapped in it all the way to England.”

“‘Spanish hipster’ is kind of an oxymoron, but this blog is super chulo.”

“I borrowed these heavenly diamond chain link Pomellato bracelets for an event in Chicago. Is it Christmas yet?”

And here’s GOOP philosophy on how yoga can be damaging:

“Even yoga can be an addictive diversion. It can provide intense emotional release because we store pent up energy in our bodies. Still, we must be able to think and feel to fully integrate the experience and release it. Without conscious thought providing truth and understanding surrounding the situation, we easily fall back into old habits.”

In addition to ruining Michael Kors for me, Paltrow — who refers to herself as GOOP “editor in chief” — offers aid to the modern working mom in her quest for the best monogrammed table linens, a gift guide for the millionaires on her holiday shopping list, recipes such as authentic huevos rancheros by Jessica Seinfeld, and tips for seamlessly mixing and matching clothes in the classic rich-person color combination of white and beige.

But here now, in dazzling PaltrowVision, is the trailer for The Restart Project:

I’m not sure why this “project” exists other than so Paltrow can leach inspiration from women who have overcome challenges and put her own brand on it. Or…maybe, just maybe, Gwyneth Paltrow is the funniest person on the planet and GOOP and the Restart Project are just brilliant performance art pieces, statements on media manipulation and the science of generating deep-seated loathing.