Miley Cyrus Will Probably Be the People’s Choice for Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, Proving We’re Completely F*cked

There’s a reason the Supreme Court exists: to keep the truly important decisions out of the hands of average idiots and to act as an 11th hour bulwark against the important decisions those idiots have already fucked-up. It’s bad enough we’re forced to trust people who typically couldn’t find the next state over on a map with deciding who leads our country. The last thing you want is issues of even more consequence — if you can imagine that — put to the whims of a fickle electorate at every turn.

We’re a republic, not a pure democracy. It’s necessary to remember this and to understand that the founders realized what would result if everyone got a say in everything. There would be chaos. America would be even more screwed than it already is. There are parts of the country that would likely still be in the literal dark ages, as opposed to just the figurative dark ages.

And Miley Cyrus would be president.

In case you haven’t been following along, Time magazine’s annual readers’ choice poll for its Person of the Year is just about to wrap up. And as it stands right now, Miley will win. She will be the readers’ choice for Person of the Year. This is mostly because this year Time ran a line directly from Twitter to the voting interface, and as you know, people like Miley Cyrus are basically the engine that powers Twitter; Miley fires off a series of words that look like the keys on her keyboard need to be unstuck and suddenly 15 million little acolytes jump up to slavishly do her social media bidding.

Here’s Time‘s comment on the whole thing:

We’ve fended off several attempts to rig the poll’s results but the tally of legitimate votes on Monday morning is clear: Miley Cyrus is the front-runner.

Thankfully, kind of like the Supreme Court, the saner heads at Time‘s editorial department will have the final say and be able to put down whatever traction Miley makes toward crossing the finish line first. They get to decide who will actually be their Person of the Year. But it speaks to the power of global, democratized media that a bunch of rabid Miley fans can coalesce into a single learning disabled hive-mind and stuff the digital ballot box in the name of their twerking, tongue-wagging idol — essentially rigging the vote.

I supposed, though, that as an anthropological study, if you’re really looking to see who we were in the year 2013 maybe Miley Cyrus is perfect. Maybe years from now that choice will speak to where we were at as a culture better than any other could. Maybe Miley can preserve for future generations the immutable truth that it was this year, 2013, when America finally bottomed out.

Now get the fuck off my lawn.

Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.