This Just In: Human Beings Now Considered a Virus

“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague and we are the cure.”

Agent Smith speaking to Morpheus in The Matrix

What happens when you take a population, subject them to decades of shitty television, take away decent public education, relentlessly advertise cheap credit to them while their wages stagnate, market politics to them based on fear, subsidize junk food conglomerates to feed them with fatty meats pumped with growth hormones, high fructose corn syrup and salt, and tell them that to preserve the American way, they must “go shopping“?


Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.