How To Make It In America In 8 Easy Steps

Do you have snobby taste in everything but no money to back up your bias? Are you critical of the five-star restaurants your mom takes you to when she visits even though you usually eat at Chipotle? Are you of the belief that anyone who dies shopping on Black Friday deserves a Darwin Award? Do you judge the color of other people’s Range Rovers through the dirty windows of your shit Pontiac? Welcome to the club.

Here are 8 tips for saving money without compromising your elitism:

1.) Subsist off of Whole Foods Samples

As the good homeless people of Venice Beach and I can tell you, two laps around the Whole Foods sample trail serve as a delicious and nutritious free lunch. Just don’t let the security guards catch you — they’re used to a store full of good samaritan yogis and your sample-hoarding is the most drama they’ve seen since a master-cleanser tried to eat her own dog in the parking lot.

2.) Make Rich Friends

Show them your crappy appartment filled with non-organic foods and they’re sure to take pity on your miserable existence by giving you exquisite hand-me-downs and buying you dinner. Just make sure they’re driving — valeting your shit Pontiac at the 4 Seasons hotel is not only humiliating, it’s actually illegal in Beverly Hills. Warning: Sometimes having rich friends backfires because they can’t comprehend how broke you are so you wind up stuck with the $75 bill for the pedicure they made you get.

3.) Fill Up Your Tank One Gallon at a Time.

Sure, it’s going to cost you more money in the long run because precious fumes escape each time you open the tank but the feeling that you’re saving $40 each time you stop (which is 15 times a week if you’re me) will make up for that environmental guilty conscience. Don’t underestimate the importance of feeling like you’re preserving funds, even when you’re not. Equally important: The gas station attendant may take pity on you and give you a free pack of Chicklets.


Are you too snobby for coupons despite your negative bank balance and overdue rent? No problem! Introducing Groupon: the classy way to save. Get great deals without having to resign yourself to the the junk mail pile. Groupon has incredible deals accompanied by sleek pictures of naked people and wine. From seafood to C-sections, Groupon is guaranteed to have whatever you’re looking for. Warning: You are in danger of spending money on things you would never have bought otherwise because that ferret is 90% off and it’s adorable and you can name it Theodore.

6.) Stop Getting Parking Tickets, Stupid

Nuff said.

7.) Do One Free Week of Yoga…at Every Studio in Town

With yoga studios popping up on every corner, you’ll have no trouble getting a full year of free yoga. When the year ends, go back to the first place; they’ll have forgotten you by then.

8.) Happy Hour!

This seems like an obvious one but I have to pay homage to The Happy Hour because it has kept me from starvation and sobriety on more than one occasion. Some of the nicest restaurants in town offer affordable fare for a few precious hours a night. Between the $5 calamari, the $4 beer and free bread, you’ll walk away feeling satiated and content.  

Note: With all the effort you’re putting into saving money you could probably just find a better job.