Thanksgiving is a tradition that Americans from every walk of life can enjoy. It is a time when friends and family get together and give thanks for what they have. However, the tradition has some rather worrying elements to it that could teach Americans socialistic concepts like sharing and selflessness. To counter the troubling Europeanization of a distinctly American tradition, here is a 10-step guide to having a Libertarian Thanksgiving:
1. Buy your Turkey from Butterball – America’s biggest Turkey farm. It stands to reason that Butterball must be the best turkey producer because it has beaten all the competition and makes $1.5 billion in revenue a year. Sure they may pump their turkeys full of antibiotics and have a horrific record on animal cruelty, but who cares? The turkey is cheap, and it lines the pockets of corporations so it’s a win-win situation for the die hard capitalist.
2. Outsource the cooking. It is almost certainly cheaper to have your Thanksgiving dinner prepared in India and Fed-Exed.
3. Charge family members for leftovers. In fact, they’re not actually leftovers, they’re ‘opportunity costs’. All the turkey they didn’t eat could have been resold at above market rates given turkeys are in heavy demand at Thanksgiving. It is only fair that you are compensated by your family for this loss of earning.
4. No turkey giveaways. Poor people are poor for a reason, and giving them free turkeys will just encourage them to remain poor.
5. The strongest family members eat first. They are bigger and stronger and it stands to reason that they are more deserving of food than the young and elderly.
6. Make sure you are carrying a concealed weapon at the dinner table. You may have a closet Communist in the family and you need to always be prepared.
7. Get a sponsor for your dinner. This might mean making family members and guests wear branded t-shirts or drinking Pepsi rather than Coke. You should never pass up an opportunity to monetize family occasions.
8. Boycott Canada’s celebration of Thanksgiving. They have universal health care coverage.
9. Challenge the White House’s pardoning of one turkey. This is the government telling Americans which turkeys they can and cannot eat and is a slippery slope towards socialism.
10. No holding hands during grace. We are not all in this together. It’s every American for themselves.
Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.