Guess Who Finally Got His Guns Taken Away?

Fourth time’s the charm, I guess. After shooting and killing an unarmed teenager, being accused of getting into an armed confrontation with his ex-wife, and apparently leaving a bullet-riddled target in the ex’s house as a not-so-subtle warning, George Zimmerman finally met a judge who thought it best to relieve him of his guns. Any sane person would wonder how the hell it took this long, but that’s a question with a one word answer: Florida.

Zimmerman is out on $9,000 bond tonight — no doubt posted by Sean Hannity, who was waiting outside the jail in a floral sundress and a convertible Mustang blasting Journey’s Open Arms — after being arrested on aggravated assault and misdemeanor domestic battery charges. All of it stems from a fight he got into yesterday with his girlfriend, who’s currently with child and without even a thimble-full of good sense. Samantha Scheibe called 911 and claimed that Zimmerman was pointing a shotgun at her and breaking her furniture because she had told him to get out of her house; during the call you can hear Zimmerman in the background.

What’s most surprising about this — since Christ knows this asshole threatening somebody with a gun sure as hell isn’t — is that after allegedly pushing Scheibe out of the house and locking her out, Zimmerman makes his own 911 call. As horrible as it is to say, the call is almost funny, primarily because he pretty much calls just to, you know, chat — to tell “his side of the story.” This is while police are actually banging on the door demanding that he come outside. While on the line with the emergency operator, Zimmerman tries to get it on record that it was his girlfriend who freaked out on him, obviously laying the groundwork for a self-defense argument. Because as you know, George is always the victim. It’s not his fault — these things just keep happening to him. Why won’t everyone just let him be?

This time around Zimmerman is being represented by a public defender because he supposedly has about $150 to his name and is currently unemployed. Once word of this gets out look for a Ted Nugent-sponsored Kickstarter campaign aimed at helping George defend himself in court, get his guns back, and continue the good work of ridding the streets of the negro menace.

It would be easy to say that George Zimmerman was always a time-bomb just waiting to go off, except that he already went off — more than once in fact. The question was never whether he would kill, it was whether he would kill again. Zimmerman’s an extraordinarily dumb hot-head who seems to go looking for trouble and who always seems to find it. The problem is when he does, other people wind up suffering — mostly because up until this point he’s always had the upper hand because he was armed.

But now he’s not. Not anymore. His precious has finally been taken away. How the hell will he ever protect himself against all those dangerous pregnant blonds who pose an imminent threat to him?

Update: The girlfriend says she’s not actually pregnant. Given that it was Zimmerman who claimed she was pregnant, that it was his, and that they were arguing over how they were going to raise the child, it adds a whole new layer of weird to all of this.

Photo Credit: Joe Burbank/Orlando Sentinel/Pool/AP

Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.