Now that the debt ceiling fiasco is finally over what we really need is something to unite us again. Something to bring us together in pursuit of a common cause. Something to help us heal. And as we Americans know so well, there’s nothing that heals us better than beating the crap out of somebody else. So, with that in mind, I think we can all agree that it’s time to officially declare war on Canada.
Now don’t get me wrong: I’m sure Canada is a fantastic place full of many wonderful people. I myself am friends with several Canadians and, while they all seem disconcertingly easy-going and mild-mannered, they’re for the most part good folk. But that hardly matters at a time like this. Not even taking into consideration factors like Wayne Gretzky, Nathan Fillion, and the Kids in the Hall can mitigate the damage Canada has now chosen to inflict upon America and the world. They have fired the first shot — chosen to blatantly and aggressively attack us for no reason — and we have no choice but to discharge the full might of our military against them.
In a kind of musical holocaust, one that could only have been conjured up at whatever that country’s version of the Wannsee conference is, Canada has produced and unleashed the new single from Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger. And it is everything you could imagine, were you not actually you and were, in fact, H.P. Lovecraft. The song, in all its horrific, overly emotive, power-ballad glory is called Let Me Go, words you’ll find yourself screaming through tears from the first syrupy, Pro-Toolsed piano notes. It is a supergroup of sounds and bands you always wished would just stop making music altogether. It is the most damage a Canadian husband and wife have done since Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. The musical coming together of Lavigne and Kroeger is like an unstoppably synchronizing Hellraiser cube of shit-rock.
If you can make it past where Chad Kroeger suddenly makes his appearance without running to the bathtub and dragging in a hair-dryer, you’re a stronger person that I am — and you might be just what our proposed international coalition needs to fight this atrocity.
My guess is you shut it off as soon as you saw Chad’s frosted tips, which tore through your soul like the quills of some supernatural porcupine. Now you see. Now you fully appreciate why this aggression cannot stand. Canada must pay dearly for this.
Although, it’s probably no coincidence that this song was released immediately following our airing of this, quite possibly in response to it.
So? So what if we actually provoked this attack? This is America. We can do what we want.
So mount up everybody, the 69th Cyrus-Durst Douche Cav needs you. We’re gonna fly in low over Ottawa blaring Maroon 5’s Moves Like Jagger. That’ll scare the shit outta the “Eh”-holes. And the boys will love it.
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.