Some New Rules For the Tea Party

The Tea Party faction of the Republican Party has successfully brought the federal government to its knees over Obamacare. Concerned by what Michele Bachmann coined the ‘crack cocaine of dependancy’, the Tea Party wants America to wean itself off the government and become self reliant go-getters instead of the ‘parasites’ and ‘freeloaders’ Americans have become under Obama.

What better way for the Tea Party to show how serious it is than to abide by its own philosophy? Here are some new rules for the militant free marketers sick of government and its out of control spending:

1. No Medicaire or Medicaid.

If you’re old enough or poor enough to qualify for either government run program, you can prove your ideological stripes and stop taking handouts from the government and go and get your freedom loving health care insurance from a private company. Can’t afford that heart surgery without assistance from Uncle Sam? That’s the price of liberty!

2. Stay away from public parks.

Sure, they’re full of trees, playgrounds for kids and spots for picnics, but these spaces are stopping real estate developers getting rich. Do your bit to stop encouraging communism  and stay in your own backyards.

3. Turn the taps off.

All those pesky things that need to get done in order to give you clean, running water like storage, treatment, sewage disposal, piping etc etc are paid for by the government. It might be convenient having water at the twist of a tap, but as real Americans you should be able to get your own water. And dispose of your own crap.

4. Take your kids out of public school.

Free education is destroying America, so stop encouraging it. Can’t afford private school? Don’t worry, take out a high interest loan that you can spend the rest of your life paying off! With all those extra jobs Obama and the stimulus package  the free market added to the economy, you shouldn’t have a problem finding another job on top of the two you already have.

5. No welfare or food stamps.

Your party is adamant that the federal government doesn’t encourage freeloading, so even if you find yourselves falling upon hard times, resist the urge to keep a roof over your head and food in your stomach. As a true, freedom loving Americans you should be able to feed yourself off the land anyhow, or at the very least create a million dollar company through your entrepreneurial spirit and hard work.

6. Turn away the fire brigade.

House on fire? Put it out yourself. The fire department is a burden on the tax payer and every self respecting Tea Party member should never rely on the darn guvmint to sort their domestic problems out. 

7. Solve your own murders.

The police department is a socialist organization that drains the tax payer and wastes it on things you could do yourself, like forensics, catching dangerous criminals and keeping the peace. Someone get killed in your neighborhood? Get your magnifying glass out and get sleuthing!!

8. No use of public transport or roads. 

You should never, ever use infrastructure paid for by the government. It only encourage more spending, so stick to private toll roads and walking. This might make life a little tricky, particularly if you have to leave your house to go anywhere. You can solve this problem easily by moving somewhere far, far away from everyone else where you can live off the land and your own communities in libertarian paradise.

Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.

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