Get Off My Lawn, Panda


I want to warn you about an impending threat to our freedoms and liberties as Americans.

There is a parasite that has long been wasting the precious dollars out of our collective pockets.  It is an unlikely villain, one whose manipulation of society is so pervasive and perverse that you will be shocked to learn the truth.

I take no pleasure in being the bearer of bad news (other than seeing my name all over the internet), but the lamestream media refuses to cover this story. There have been some noble truth tellers who seek to cast light where there is none, and I proudly join them in seeking to Illuminate the darkness with the bright light of truth.

No, the danger is not Obamacare (child’s play), Social Security (snooze) or the bloated Defense budget (AMERICA!).

It is the Giant Panda.

This farce of a bear long ago was given the pink slip by Mother Nature, ordered to clear its desk and head home. But like a scorned former employee seeking an easy pay day and a free ride, the pandas fought back.

They unleashed a PR campaign the likes of which had never been seen.

They pimped dolls both life size and human size. They hawked “Save the Panda” t-shirts. They flooded the interweb with digital campaigns full of live-streams and e-mail updates on panda births (because they are so RARE [see “panda porn” below]).  Even the World Wildlife Fund, a conservation fund that I believe looks to save “the wildlifes”, has the panda on its logo hoping to cash in on the cute dollars when it only spends a measly $2 million annually on panda conservation.  Those scam artists should have to give the WWF acronym back to Vince MacMahon.

As a red-blooded American, I love Richard Nixon, and photos from the 1970s of Richard Nixon doing things. Especially bowling. But just because ol’ Milhous accepted two pandas from China 40 years ago does not mean we have to accept this as the status quo symbol of goodwill between our two countries. I think we can all agree the symbol is the NBA. Looking at you Yao Ming and Jeremy Lin (only one of those guys is facing extinction, and that’s only due to bad knees).

What really grinds my gears is when during the workday, trying to get this nation’s economy out of the crapper, I receive updates from my co-worker on the new baby panda at the National Zoo. But to be honest, I pity her. Yes they are cute, but let’s face it, the panda is doomed. There are approximately 1,600 giant pandas left in the wild and 300 in captivity. And they are all lazy freeloaders unfit for survival. According to “experts” at NBC news,  more money is being spent to save the giant panda than any other species in the world. Why? Just because these black and white bums come from Communist China doesn’t mean we have to treat each according to its need.

Scientists assert that despite being able to eat a myriad of foods, the panda only chooses bamboo. Not only are they needy, they are picky and needy. Does anyone know the Chinese translation for beggars and where they intersect on a Venn diagram with choosers?

If that wasn’t enough, scholars such as Mike Birbilglia have brought to light how it is so difficult to get pandas to mate that zookeepers and animal experts have to motivate them with panda pornography. Where are our supposed American values?

It all thoroughly disgusts me.  I for one refuse to live in a society in which we subsidize the fancies of the common panda, the welfare queen of the conservation movement. We can do better America.

I vow to you, this year will not be the year of the panda. It will be the year of the snake. Don’t tread on me, panda.

I would like to thank (and apologize to?) Erica Lawton, who thought of the title and was the inspiration for this piece. She loves pandas.