Here’s what you may as well be reading in the couple of hours you have left before you find out you’ve become the victim of a surprise Friday afternoon lay-off:
1. This Is the Ender
Somewhere in Studio City, Summit Entertainment is training a group of highly intelligent kids to kill Ender’s Game author Orson Scott Card before he manages to further fuck up its $150-million investment. First it was Card’s public excoriation of marriage equality, but that was apparently just him getting warmed up. Now comes the main event: an utterly beavershit-crazy conspiratorial rant comparing Barack Obama to Hitler and warning the world about his plans to provide military training and weapons to street gangs who will then act as the country’s “NaPo,” or National Police, tasked with taking down Obama’s enemies. I’ve never been more thankful for the fact that I couldn’t give less of a crap about Ender’s Game.
I don’t consider anyone who posts a comment disagreeing with something I’ve written a troll. I don’t even consider every snarky asshole who vehemently disagrees with something I’ve written and decides to confront me on it in a comment section a troll. But there are indeed trolls out there; they’re a natural byproduct of the internet. Well, leave it to a self-described obituary writer to claim to have the answers when it comes to putting trolls in their place.
3. Premature Ejaculation
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but Anthony Weiner’s being accused of sexual impropriety. Again. Yeah, it apparently happened before he was married, but it does involve a former campaign aide who was 20 years younger than him. At this point, karma is just running up the score.
4. Grand Entrance
Beginning September 17th, I will vanish into a very deep hole of armed robberies, moving violations, and hooker beatings and I promise you I won’t crawl out of it for at least six months. We’re now almost one month to the day until the release of Grand Theft Auto V, and Rockstar Games has now launched an official “travelogue” showing you just a few of the places you’re going to want to visit when you, like me, make Los Santos your new home.
Have a good weekend, kiddies.
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.