The Morning Banter: Bob McDonnell Is Screwed & Peter Scolari (or Something Like That) Is the New Doctor Who

Here’s what you should be reading this morning instead of sitting at your desk lamenting the fact that it’s Monday again and you’re essentially nothing but a gerbil in a wheel who can’t even remember what it wanted to be before it landed in this Sisyphean hell.

1. Scold McDonnell

The ice is slowly starting to crack under Bob McDonnell’s feet, as we get what seems to be further confirmation of Matt Taibbi’s assertion that corruption in American politics is almost never of the vast-governmental-conspiracy variety and is just about always of the glad-handing, petty payola variety.

The Washington Post: Gov. Robert McDonnell Could Face Criminal Charges/8.4.13

2. Two Dicks

That boy is our last hope for endless prurient stories about sex and atrocious behavior. No, there is another.

The Daily Beast: Anthony Weiner Has Some Competition/8.4.13

3. Don’t Worry, Be Crappy

Living proof that all you happy people — or worse, people desperately chasing happiness like it’s something you can catch and keep in a jar — need to sit down and shut-up. Sure I’m a misanthrope, but my life has meaning. I think.

The Atlantic: Meaning Is Healthier Than Happiness/8.1.13

4. You Didn’t Make That

My favorite story of the day comes courtesy of the coolest fucking man on the planet. If you even have to question who I’m talking about, you need to get out more. Late last week, George Clooney figuratively beat the crap out Daniel Loeb, the billionaire founder of Third Point, a hedge fund which is one of Sony’s major investors, after Loeb fired off a memo berating Sony for producing two flops this summer (After Earth, and White House Down). In a verbal thrashing, Clooney managed to sum up everything that’s wrong with Wall Street culture, particularly when it collides with an industry aimed at making art as well as money. See, Wall Street doesn’t actually make anything, and yet its denizens and acolytes behave with all the authority and entitlement of God himself.

The Huffington Post: George Clooney Slams Daniel Loeb: ‘How Any Hedge Fund Guy Can Claim Responsibility Is Beyond Me’/8.2.13

5. Doctor Who?

In case you missed the nerd version of “The Decision” yesterday on the BBC, the producers of Doctor Who, in a daring break with tradition, decided that the new “Doctor” will be — a slightly odd-looking, effete white British guy. This particular slightly odd-looking, effete white British guy’s credits include a long-running TV comedy called The Vicar of Dibley. Because, of course.*

For the record, I campaigned hard for our own Ben Cohen. He’s suave, sexy, British, and he knows mixed martial arts, making him absolutely lethal, ladies. Rawr!

USA Today: New ‘Doctor Who’: It’s Peter Capaldi/8.4.13

Have a good one, kids.

*Yeah, yeah. Before anybody gives me any crap, I do actually know who Capaldi is. I also know he’s Scottish, for those insufferable pricks sure to nitpick over that kind of thing.

Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.