Happy Friday, kids. Here’s what you should be reading today instead of working or daydreaming about the weekend.
1. Giving Good Ed
It’s tough for me to recommend anything from Salon these days, even screwing around. And yet occasionally the site prints something so breathtakingly insane that not only does it actually manage to stand out amongst the usual crop of humorless liberal outrage porn that’s become Salon’s stock in trade, but it actually transcends it, reaching what may be a Zen-like state where self-parody becomes honest-to-God art. The piece running right now at the site called “Edward Snowden Is a Modern Day Prometheus” is that very sort of indescribable what-the-fuck masterwork. It may be nothing more than confirmation that Salon has been taken over by The Onion and is now one giant effort to troll the universe; but it may not be. The article, which is a literal love letter to Edward Snowden, complete with the kind of pompous, flowery effusion that only an aging San Francisco moonbat like author Rebecca Solnit could possibly deliver with a straight face, has to be seen to be believed.
If I try to explain it to you, you simply won’t believe me. You wouldn’t believe anybody who told you that someone had written a column in a major internet publication in which she openly fantasizes about hiding Edward Snowden “like Anne Frank” (presumably if Anne Frank had hidden inside a vagina), utters lines like “your young, pale, thoughtful face speaks with clarity and incisiveness,” without so much as a hint of irony, and compares Snowden’s sacrifice not only to Prometheus’s but essentially to that of Jesus Christ.
The piece is long and tedious, of course, so I’d recommend only reading the first couple of paragraphs, getting a good laugh, then skimming the rest. That’s all you’ll need to make you understand that before Rebecca Solnit goes to sleep each night, she takes one of her six cats to her breast and allows them to nurse from her — but secretly she dreams that it’s Edward Snowden. That she’s his mother and his lover and his protector and the undeserving yet profoundly fecund vessel for his rich and mighty seed.
She signs the thing, “Love, Rebecca.”
Seriously, it’s the batshit craziest fucking thing you’ll see all week.
2. Elizabeth Shooed
Wanna know how badly Elizabeth Warren beat down the meat puppets of CNBC’s Squawk Box a couple of days ago? This badly: The video clip of the on-air interview that went viral, the one that shows how thoroughly Warren owned the conversation and got the better of the show’s hosts, has been taken down from YouTube because NBC Universal says it’s a copyright violation. By the way, Jim Cramer is of course trying to argue that in no way did Warren completely destroy CNBC’s talking monkeys and the feces they were flinging at the American viewers, but keep in mind that Jim Cramer is now and will always be this pussy.
3. Black Friday
I used to joke that the reason I lived in New York City is that I’m too arrogant to live anywhere else in America. Only New York allows the raging smart-ass to be him or herself, to look down on the poor shitheads across the rest of the country, and to do it belligerently because the reality is that the life of that person is consumed by the daily uphill battle of simply surviving New York and he or she is complaining about the great unwashed elsewhere while sitting in a studio apartment that’s costing $3,200-a-month. But hey, it’s still New York City, and that’s worth it. Until it isn’t and you pull a Tony Roberts in Woody Allen’s Manhattan and move out west to sunny Southern California.
Anyway, all bullshit aside, love it or hate it, New York City really does represent the opposite end of the American spectrum of humanity, politics, intelligence, culture, etc. etc. from Texas — which is sincerely the worst place on Earth. So when Texas governor, paleoconservative Christian, and creepy Sears mannequin come to life Rick Perry decided he was going to try to tempt New Yorkers and their business interests with offers of a capitalist utopia in Texas, one free from any sort of regulation on whichever way you feel like making money — go to Texas sometime, the evidence of how that ethos has worked out will literally stare you in the face in the form of horrible business-residential zoning, garish strip malls, and a wonderland forest of unrestricted roadside advertising — Lewis Black decided to strike back. His response on The Daily Show — “Fuck you, Texas” — was one for the ages.
Have a good one, folks.
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.