We all know that celebrities are important. But some celebrities are more important than others, and top ten lists are crucial in helping the unkempt masses know exactly who they should spend their valuable time fawning over. In this week’s ‘Celebrities Are Important Because…’ column, we do the heavy lifting and help you (the unkempt masses) figure it out.
10. Robert Pattinson. He finally did it. He dumped Kristen Stewart. Now he’s apparently happy. He wants to remain single. Doesn’t want to sleep around. He matters because it shows that despite thinking doing the Twilight franchise was a good idea (no) and thinking Kristen Stewart would make a good girlfriend after sleeping with her director (really? No), he woke up, he smelled coffee and got the hell out. This proves that although he played the undead, his brain works.
9. Which brings me on to Kristen Stewart. Kristen should be used as an advert of “Things Not To Do” for all aspiring teenage girls. Don’t look like someone has just smacked you round the face when you are at your premiere and being paid millions of dollars to simply flounce around and pretending you can act. At least look grateful. It can’t be that hard. Also start washing your hair. You look dirty.
8. One Direction. And when I say One Direction what I mean is Simon Cowell who is obviously a genius. He found these boys. He put them together. He found writers. Applied auto-tune. Sent them off into the world and bingo. They are idiotic, under-educated, over-tattooed babies who could do with staying in school and learning how to add and subtract. They are also probably the only reason the music industry still exists, which is sad, but true.
7. Harper Beckham. She may be just learning to walk, but mark my words this little thing is going to grow up to be one of the most powerful women in the world. She’ll be a fashion designer, singer, footballer, writer, charity spokesperson and Vogue contributor and that’s before she turns twelve.
6. Jessica Simpson. If you were ever worried that the world population may suddenly collapse, Jessica is doing us all a favour by popping out as many babies as possible. Fear not, baby Maxwell and whenever the next one pops out, will be properly educated so they know that Buffalo wings are chicken and not Buffalo’s wings. Be warned, she’s a billionaire so she can afford a lot of nannies. The world will be filled with mini-Simpsons who all want to sing and have their own reality show. Happy days.
5. Lindsay Lohan has to be the one shining example of what can go wrong when you make your child become an actor. Poor “I don’t have a drug problem” Lindsay has now apparently had an epiphany in rehab (well, so says her fame-hungry father, Michael “I took cocaine and went to rehab” Lohan). My prediction is her epiphany has something to do with the realization that she just has to serve her time and then figure out how to take drugs in private and stop crashing into other cars. You go girl.
4. Justin Bieber. He’s worked out that instead of having to cope with people taking photos at parties you throw so you can take drugs and sleep with girls, he’s come up with a disclaimer to make people sign so he can take drugs and sleep girls and no one will have cameras or can talk about it. And we all thought he was a idiot. The kid clearly has brains. It’ll cost you $5 million if you want to take a pic of you by the pool at one of his bashes and sounds frighteningly like he’s trying to start his own dictatorship that would make Putin proud. Personally I’d rather eat my own eyes.
3. Chris Brown. You’ve read this top ten. Clearly I’m an understanding person who appreciates that celebrities in 2013 have a really tough time of it. They suffer. They’re harassed. Everyone wants to know their business and unless they’re selling something, they really don’t want to share. I obviously sympathise. But when it comes to Chris Brown I just have feelings of rage. He’s at number three in importance because it’s people like him that make the world a bad place and we shouldn’t forget it. Also he spits, which is just horrid.
2. Anne Hathaway. This is mainly because she thought that she was so important that she thought it necessary to issue a statement about her decision to change her dress at the Oscars. A statement. Like we give a shit that she’s not wearing a white dress but decided to go with a white-pink dress instead. I know, the Oscars was ages ago, but I hold a grudge for a really long time (don’t get me started on Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s break-up. I’m still not ready). She also reminds girls everywhere that although your hairdresser may say ‘you’re going to look great with short hair,’ you should never trust them. Even if you think you’re really, really pretty.
1. Amanda Bynes. I don’t even really feel she needs an explanation. She is an example of why Twitter should be a bit more selective with who they allow to tweet with sweet abandonment. And why drugs are bad for you. And showbusiness. And being left alone for too long.