Dan Bidondi’s Illiterate Lament

My favorite thing of the day comes courtesy of a friend of mine who, through what I’d imagine is a little bit of amusing skulduggery, gained a window into the barely functional brain of InfoWars “reporter” Dan Bidondi. You’ll remember Bidondi as the doughy doofus who subverted the vital question-and-answer portion of a press conference held in the immediate aftermath of the Boston Marathon attack by bombarding the governor of Massachusetts with lunatic nonsense about “false flag” terrorism and the ways in which the government was supposedly planning to hijack our precious civil liberties. You’ll also remember that not long after that circus act was broadcast on national television, a Boston resident recorded himself verbally abusing poor, dumb Bidondi in an act of heroism by a private citizen not seen since, I don’t know, maybe United flight 93.

Well, a couple of days ago, it seems that Bidondi posted a rambling status update to his personal Facebook page, one that could be seen only by his friends, in which he melodramatically casts himself as the lonely warrior standing defiantly on the bridge and single-handedly fighting off the hoards of Clusium like Horatius. The man who suffers so that we can live freely. Not the hero America deserves, but the one it needs. Our silent protector. Our Dark Knight.

Try not to shed a tear as you read — or at least try to decipher — the following. Consider this whole thing one big “sic.”

WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW! What we do at Infowars is no joke and we are not out just to get ratings..

I am not allowed to see my child no more, I am banned from my former stations, I lost half of my family & friends, all because I stood up against the criminals in our Government at the Boston Bombing Press Conference. I sacrificed allot to bring people the truth and wake them up. Just like our Founding Fathers where called lunatics, conspiracy theorist, terrorist, all because we care for our Country and our future! I too had to make that sacrifice just as they did and most of all just as Yeshua (jesus) did to bring truth to the world.

God bless and I am 100% full in to bringing the New World Order down!

– Dan Bidondi

You should know that the above quote looks like a fucking pinball machine on my computer screen there are so many colors indicating typos and grammatical mistakes all over it.

Given that I have a four-year-old daughter — who’s already better-educated and more literate than Dan Bidondi, by the way — what stuck out to me first about this little cry of defiant martyrdom was of course Bidondi’s claim that he’s not allowed to see his child “no more.” Yes, it’s easy to look at this as not simply a positive but as a downright necessity for society; it’s scary enough that Bidondi figured out how to procreate and then found someone willing to allow him the opportunity to, but at the very least we can seemingly be safe in the knowledge that his paranoid psychosis won’t be passed along to the next generation directly via his paternal influence. That said, I can’t help but feel a little sorry for Bidondi. Only someone truly mentally unbalanced would choose jousting at imaginary windmills over being with his own kid, and for taking advantage of Bidondi’s gullibility, stupidity, and feelings of detachment I blame his mentor, Alex Jones, and Alex Jones alone.

I’ve used this analogy before, and I’ve already referenced The Dark Knight once in this column, but I still can’t get over how perfectly it fits: Early in his rise to the top of the sociopathic conspiracy theory dung heap, Jones stylized himself as Heath Ledger’s Joker, presumably because he considered himself some sort of agent of chaos trying to bring down the established order. But really, if you follow the narrative of the movie, he had and continues to have something else in common with the Joker: He exploits the mentally unhinged and otherwise weak-minded to do his bidding. He’s their master and they’re his always-willing servants. Thing is, Jones has fashioned his paranoid mania into a commercial industry and he’s the one raking in the cash at the top of the pyramid. I can’t imagine a bottom-tier clown like Dan Bidondi is making a hearty living out of all this, not when he’s trying so hard to justify both to others and himself how much he’s selflessly sacrificing in the name of making the ridiculous statement he feels needs to be made.

I’ve also said more than once that the world of the conspiracy theory is where ignorance and arrogance meet, and we see that proven flawlessly in Dan Bidondi’s lament. He genuinely believes he’s in the company of the founding fathers and Jesus by speaking truth to power; he’s a barely literate dimwit who comforts himself with delusions not just of government conspiracies but of his own grandeur and brilliance in being privy to their existence, to the reality that no one else seems to see. It’s the classic behavior of, at best, the loser outcast who ironically wallows in what he believes is his own unappreciated genius, and, at worst, a paranoid schizophrenic.

I don’t pretend to be an expert on mental health issues, but I just can’t imagine Bidondi coming around on his own and finally realizing that what he’s given up everything in his life for is utter bullshit. He’s simply too far gone. But while I do actually feel a little sad for him, because he’s just that dumb, that doesn’t by any means mitigate the damage he’s causing by doing Alex Jones’s bidding and circulating this crap. He’s hurting people — victims of the Boston Marathon bombing, for example — and he’s hurting the truth, which is, in the grand scheme, even more important. He’ll never be talked out of his delusions. He’ll never believe what he sees right in front of his face. No evidence in the world will convince him he’s lost his fucking mind.

He’ll just keep right on fighting for what he thinks is the real story that’s being kept from all of us, regardless of the fact that that real story is only in that pea-sized brain inside his thick, dopey head.

Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.