Dear Linkedin: Please F**k Off

Dear Linkedin,

Every morning I wake up, and you are there. Whether it is the first email in my inbox, or an ad you’ve placed on some of my favorite sites, I always know I’ll be reminded that someone from Linkedin wants something from me. The funny thing is, I distinctly recall clicking ‘unsubscribe’ from your email list in an effort to stop your incessant messaging. After doing so, your emails actually increased.

I don’t care whether someone I know has endorsed me for one of the skills on my resume. I don’t care whether some dude who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who met me at an event wants to join their ‘Network on Linkedin’. And I really don’t care whether their invitation is ‘waiting for my response’.

And please, stop offering to go through my email contact lists. I said no literally dozens of times, yet I get the distinct feeling you did it anyway. I have apparently sent invites to dozens of people I haven’t seen in years, some of which have caused slight embarrassment (I’m pretty sure some of exes aren’t interested in pursuing any sort of relationship, professional or otherwise…).

I don’t want to buy any Linkedin ads, even if you give me $50 credit free of charge. I simply couldn’t take all the follow up emails I know you’d send asking me to buy more and telling me how vital they were to my professional career.

I didn’t fall for that trick you did when you emailed all your users telling them they had one of ‘The Top 1% most viewed Linkedin profiles  for 2012’, and I’m not falling for your ‘Linkedin Premium’ free month deal, whatever that is. I know what it will entail: MORE FUCKING EMAILS.

Thanks for listening, and please, PLEASE stop emailing me.

Kind regards,

Ben Cohen

Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.