By Chez Pazienza:
***NBC UNIVERSAL NETWORKS OFFICIAL OLYMPICS PROMO SPOT***
DISTRIBUTION: All Networks
KILL DATE: 7/27/12
(Fade up from black to camera moving swiftly, low angle, over what appears to be an indiscernible, barren landscape — Aaron Copland’s “Fanfare for the Common Man” begins)
VO: Bob Costas
It began with a dream.
A dream in the mind of a young athlete — to be the best in the world.
A dream in the mind of a worldwide media conglomerate — to bring you nothing but the Olympics for 17 straight days.
(As indiscernible landscape continues sweeping quickly and closely under camera, shots of Olympic events begin being superimposed on top of it in flashes)
This summer, the networks of NBC Universal will be your home for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London — and considering that NBC Universal owns most of the networks on your cable dial, is itself owned by a cable and internet giant, and runs its own global news department and movie studio, that home is going to feel more like house arrest.
Like Croatian synchronized swimming? Get off on the spectacle and excitement of equestrian dressage? Looking forward to a constant barrage of mindless facts about London set to endless loops of that stupid Muse song? Can’t wait to sit through cloying and insipid ten-minute-long pre-produced stories designed to make you weep openly at the personal hardship each and every athlete has had to endure, just to come in last?
Answering “no” to any of these questions?
Well, fuck you — we’re going to give it to you anyway.
For 5,535 straight hours.
“Wait, how is that even possible?” you say. “There are only about 400 hours in 17 days. What, can you people fucking bend time?”
Yes. To bring you more than 5,000 hours of nonstop Olympics coverage — enough to make you go completely insane — you’re damn right we can.
So prepare yourself, world.
Get ready for not only every single event, but every kind of network tie-in we could think of — and we even let some of the janitors at 30 Rock come up with this shit.
On MSNBC, look for “Al Sharpton’s Track Suit and Field Report.” On CNBC, “Jim Cramer’s Gilded Cage Match.” On Bravo, we’ll have “The Real Housewives of the Chinese Women’s Wrestling Team” and “Watch What Happens… Inside the Men’s Locker Room: Hosted by Andy Cohen.” On USA, it’s “A Bunch of Indistinguishable, Really Good Looking White People — but They’re All Athletes.” On Telemundo, feel the passion of Erik Estrada and Maria Conchita Alonso in “Juegos del Corazón.” And of course, on SyFy, it’s “Octolympiconda!” Plus there’s a ton of stuff on NBC that no one will watch because, well, it’s on NBC and it’s not called “The Voice.”
Bottom line: You will not be able to avoid the Olympics, so don’t even try.
Why? Because we’re making billions off this bitch.
(Camera finally pulls quickly back from indiscernible landscape to reveal that it’s actually Dick Ebersol’s immense forehead with the Olympic rings tattooed on it)
Comcast NBC Universal.
We’re not playing games here.
(Music swells — fade to black)
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.