Lou Dobbs: The Onion’s take

by Ari Rutenberg

From The Onion via Andrew Sullivan:

“Acting on anonymous tips from within the Hispanic-American community,

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials on Wednesday deported Luis

Miguel Salvador Aguila Dominguez, who for the last 48 years had been

living illegally in the United States under the name Lou Dobbs…

“Mr. Dominguez did not come quietly, but in the end he came,” said

Sam Whitlock of the U.S. Border Patrol, who was injured during the

arrest. “He pulled a knife on me, like they will, and swore a bunch in

Spanish and spit on us when we finally managed to grab him by the

serape and throw him against a wall. But the important thing is that

he’s now back where he belongs.”

Evidence collected by investigators indicates that Dominguez/Dobbs,

who has long claimed Texas heritage, was actually born in the Mexican

state of Puebla to parents of Colombian descent, neither of whom were

U.S. citizens. In the summer of his 16th year, he and 14 of his

brothers and sisters paid smugglers to let them ride atop packages of

cocaine in the cargo hold of a fishing boat bound for Texas under cover

of night.

In addition to holding multiple jobs without ever obtaining a

guest-worker permit or H-1B visa, “Dobbs” is reported to have collected

welfare every month for nearly five decades. He appeared in good health

when apprehended, having used Medicaid to obtain numerous health care

services over the years, but immigration officials fear he still may

have exposed the American population to the many infectious diseases

illegal immigrants tend to carry, including both malaria and leprosy.

CNN, as per its policy initiated by Dominguez, is complying freely

with the ongoing DHS investigation into the multitude of illegal

activities in which its former employee was entrenched.”

Ahh if only t’were true. That would be some beautiful poetic justice.