Never Wear a Gasoline Suit When Visiting Hell

By David Glenn Cox


founding fathers, oh, how the Right loves the founding fathers. They

are, after all, their role models; rich white men who, for the most

part, earned a living off of the sweat of someone else’s brow.

Attorneys and ne’er do wells, some like Hamilton and John Paul Jones

with checkered pasts, but one of their first acts while assembling this

free nation was to establish a free educational system.

Even these slave-holding, money-grubbing, pot-smoking,

hard-drinking, opium-sniffing, social-climbing white men had enough

sense to understand that a free public education was vital to the

success of the nation. The illegitimately born Hamilton was keeping the

books for a shipping company at the age of fourteen. So amazed by this

prodigy was the owner of the company that he paid to have Hamilton

educated at Harvard.

The General Land Ordinance of 1785 set aside one section of land

dedicated to public education in each thirty-six square mile township.

The land could be sold or rented but the proceeds, all the proceeds,

went to support public education. The founding fathers feared, and

rightly so, that without a quality education we would become a country

of nitwits, listening to Rush Limbaugh and watching American Idol.

Most of the founding fathers expressed concerns that we would

degenerate into a nation of fools, without calling out Limbaugh by

name. As bad as it is, is to become as bad as it gets. As bad as it

gets, it can only become… worse.

In California, where the governor refused any attempts to raise

taxes on industry or the wealthy, even refusing a tax on yachts, the

governor will instead begin to dismantle public education. What does

that great speechmaker Mr. Obama have to say about this? (cricket

chirp) Silence, not a damn word; the terminator is free to terminate

2,500 teaching positions in Los Angeles alone. Soon 118,000

college-bound California students will have their grants terminated.

But Mr. Obama has gone to the Middle East to see where our money’s gone.

Let’s see, $3,000,000,000 for Israel, $1,700,000,000 for Egypt,

Jordan is getting the shaft at $361,000,000. Plan Columbia will send

$1,000,000,000 tax dollars to eradicate the drug traffic. So successful

was Plan Colombia last year, the coca production in Colombia was only

up by 18%! So now the program has been expanded to send $470,000,000 to

Mexico to fight drug trafficking there.

Why bother? Why not let the kids do drugs? They can’t go to college

and they can’t find jobs. Why not legalize marijuana and take the

market away from the foreigners? I mean, if the kids can’t go to

college maybe they can learn to grow some kickass sinsemilla? They are

going to have a lot of time on their hands and idle hands are the

devil’s workshop.

Besides, they will have a lot of issues to work through, like why

this nation for the first time in two hundred and twenty four years has

turned its back on public education. Were it me, I’d be pissed off. I

was lucky; I grew up in a time when public schools were monuments to

democratic freedom. Where communities were judged by their schools. The

little town that I grew up in had the highest property taxes on the

South Side of Chicago. The homes were overpriced for what they were

because everyone wanted to get their kid into that school system, and

through a full immersion into that quality, I learned.

I cannot imagine the pain of these kids who have studied hard and

worked hard to better themselves and make something of themselves only

to have it snatched away to keep the rich industrialists and

agribusiness safe from tax increases. The $1.6 billion in cuts are

draconian to education, and strangely I think I know where we can find

that money.

We are buying peace in the Middle East to the tune of $6,000,000,000

per year, and what are we getting for it? Nothing but heartache. The

Israelis are always unhappy; the Egyptians and Jordanians are unhappy.

After fifty years and billions upon billions of dollars, we have bought

an uneasy peace. Well, the cold war is over and Israel is fifty and

it’s time for them to defend themselves. We’ve got kids that need


It’s time to right the ship of state. Plan Colombia? Plan on this,

the check ain’t coming! And Plan Mexico? The only thing not crossing

the border is our tax dollars; time to bring these things home. When

America was the largest creditor nation in the world, it was our duty

to aid countries in need. But now we are in need, and taking it out of

the hides of school children is morally reprehensible. We are borrowing

money to give away to people who don’t like us while we can’t provide

for our own children. Does that make sense to you?

Education pays, it doesn’t cost. A nation that’s cutting its

education is cutting its throat. It is a suicide and wrong on so many

levels that it borders on the absurd. California’s state universities

expect a 30% rise in tuition coupled with the end of state grants means

that higher education, for all but the wealthiest, will become out of


But we still have money for a missile defense shield to

protect…Europe; $4.8 billion dollars for a missile shield that has only

worked when they’re told in advance where the missile would be. This is

a system that has been thwarted by painting the approaching missile

white. The lunacy, we spend $4.8 billion dollars on a missile shield

and it can be defeated with $20.00 dollars worth of Krylon spray paint.

The system won’t stop cruise missiles or short range missiles; the

system is a boondoggle and it’s time to pull the plug.

The days of taking it out of the pockets of the working class are

over. How else would you describe a failed state but one that cannot

properly educate its children? California expenditures per child will

drop by $3,000 per pupil, placing California last behind Utah, Idaho,

Arizona, Oklahoma, and Tennessee nine places behind Alabama. And they

thought Caligula was crazy.

Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.