WASHINGTON – After a daylong meeting between Senator Hillary Clinton and her campaign’s top advisors and staffers, this reporter has learned of a decision to portray the mathematically certain nomination of Senator Barack Obama as the byproduct of a time traveling DeLorean car that has created, in the words of communications director Howard Wolfson, an “alternate timeline.”
In extended comments Wolfson said, “we intend to show that sometime in late January of 2008 this time traveling DeLorean somehow altered history. In the original, true timeline Senator Clinton won all the states on Super Tuesday and quickly became the Democratic nominee for president. Yet, right now Senator Obama is going to be the nominee and that disruption of the space time continuum is clearly to blame.”
Top advisor Harold Ickes plans to show superdelegates a Powerpoint presentation set to a Huey Lewis soundtrack with what he claims is irrefutable evidence of a disrupted timeline. “On the left is Gov. Bill Richardson before the incident, and on the right is the more evil more bearded Bill Richardson now claiming to have endorsed Obama.”, Ickes said, “It’s obviously a paradox.”
In addition to the public relations outreach, Senator Clinton herself plans on Monday to introduce The Zemeckis Act into law. The bill is formally known as S. 1985 Authorizing the creation of a clock tower with which to harness the 1.21 Jigowatts needed to power a DeLorean in order to create some “serious shit”.
Attempts were made to contact former advisors James Carville and Paul Begala but friends and family reported that they had faded away as if ghosts. Mary Matalin repeatedly insisted she had no idea who James Carville was, acting almost as if the pundit and guru had been erased from history due to meddling in the time stream.
Senator Clinton refused to speak about the issue on the record, but her office issued a short statement indicating that she “gotta get back in time”.