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How To Defame A #MeToo Accuser: A 21st Century Guide

We have, unfortunately, reached the point in our society where a successful man can be derailed by an envious, vindictive shrew. Here's how to stop them.

The recent sexual misconduct allegations against [insert: famous male] by [insert: female accuser to be defamed] are all too typical of a movement that has outgrown its [insert: female undergarment]. We have, unfortunately, reached the point in our society where a successful [insert: male dominated profession] can be derailed by an envious, vindictive shrew.

In this particular case, the incident described allegedly occurred [insert: number from 5 to 50] years ago. By law the incident should have been reported to the authorities within [insert: statute of limitations for sexual assault in state of incident] years. More to the point, it should have been reported immediately unless it was an instance of a boy being raped by a priest, in which case there is no expiration date.

But since it was not reported until now, we have to wonder exactly what is the motivation of [insert: female accuser to be defamed]? Why has she waited until the very eve of [insert: famous male’s] [insert: appointment/selection/nomination] to [insert: position rarely if ever granted to a woman]? It is no secret that [insert: female accuser to be defamed] has been shopping a [insert: book/movie] deal potentially worth [insert: number from 1 to 20] million dollars. It has also been alleged by [insert: witnesses anonymous or no longer living] that [insert:female accuser to be defamed] sought a romantic relationship with [insert:famous male] and was rebuffed. As some English dude once said, hell hath no fury like an intern kicked out of bed.

It has also been established that the accuser was something of a party girl and no stranger to [insert: inexpensive domestic alcoholic beverage]. Women of a certain age are, when inebriated, more pliable as well as less likely to remember clearly how they were plied and who plied them. Details like who started, what she was wearing, and who’s her daddy are much harder to recall in a drunken haze. To be brutally frank, photos posted in recent days on [insert: uncool social media for middle-aged perverts] suggest that someone who looks eerily similar to how [insert: female accuser to be defamed] may have looked [insert: number from 5 to 50] years ago managed to get around quite a bit back in the day and was therefore basically asking for it—not just for herself but for all the women who looked like her and like all the women I could never get.

Along these lines, we must remember as well that there are many men who look like [insert: famous male] as well as many women who look like [insert: female accuser to be defamed]. And so, it is entirely possible that while the incident described might have taken place, neither of the two may have actually been involved. The two actually involved may even be married today, and if they are we wish them all the luck and happiness in the world.

It should go without saying that the real villain in this story is neither [insert: famous male] nor [insert: female accuser to be defamed] but rather sexual promiscuity itself. Our culture has promoted a moral norm in which a comely but really not that hot girl like [insert: female accuser to be defamed] is likely to encounter [insert: number much higher than your own] partners in her lifetime. In light of this dramatic historical decline in decency, one must ask what the future holds for our families, when the tide will turn, and where was she when I was in high school?

To recap, it never happened. And if it did, it was consensual. And if it wasn’t, she was drunk. And if she wasn’t, he was. And if they both weren’t, she was a tease. And if she wasn’t, he was misled. And if he wasn’t, she had it coming. Thank you, and have a pleasant 21st century.