The Daily Banter is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous OP-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, whose identity is known to us but who identifies himself only as “a former or current President of the United States.” We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to satisfy Donald J. Trump, who has been seething since the anonymous OP-Ed published recently in the New York Times.
First let me say it is not easy being a former or current President of the United States. Let me tell you, I had such a good life when I could fire someone whenever I wanted or get a hotel room with a bunch of really, really good looking young women from Russia without having to deny there was ever any collusion.
But the fact of the matter is, being a former or current President of the United States is a really, really big deal, and you can’t just walk away from it like that when you owe the kind of money I do to the kind of people I do. And I have to tell you, it’s not easy draining the swamp when you’re crawling around at the bottom of one. I know I said I was going to bring in the best people, but the truth is it’s so hard to get good help these days. These people are a bunch of losers, and I have to say I’m covering for them at least half the time.
Just the other day I wanted to bomb California, and the former or current Secretary of State said we can’t do that because California is a part of the United States. And I got upset, and I think I was right to get upset, because that’s the old way, the way we’ve done things for almost the entire 100 years since the United States was first discovered by Spain, and how has it turned out? Not that great, I think we’d all have to agree. California brought us hippies and LSD and solar energy and now not only does Governor Moonshine not want to build the wall, he doesn’t want to arrest all sorts of people there with skin much darker than yours or mine. Have you seen California lately? It doesn’t look like the United States, and not bombing it in the first place turned out to be a disaster, so I said time to bomb it once and for all.
Then there was the time I wanted to arrest all the Democrats and my former or current National Security Advisor said that was going to be a no go. And the shame of it is I had a very good plan all worked out. Because someone without my great brain would probably have tried to arrest these people one by one in their home states. And that can take a really long time, and time is money.
So I had the perfect plan. Which was to wait until they were all in the same place at the same time, which is when Congress is in session. A half hour tops and you’d have them all in custody. But my advisor said that’s the exact same thing all these authoritarian dictatorships have done over the years in this kind of circumstance and that it might remind people of those days. And I said what countries, and he started rattling off all these countries—Nazi Germany, Venezuela, Turkey, Argentina, North Korea, I can’t remember them all. And I said, but when all was said and done did the president of any one of those countries wind up getting impeached?!! Dead silence. That’s what happens when you go to one of the best Ivy League schools in the country. No one can out-argue you.
Probably the swampiest swamp deal I’ve had to deal with—not to mention a very deep state kind of thing and kind of a witch hunt also—is with my former or current Attorney General. The way it happened was I fired the former or current head of the FBI, then everyone complained, and then the AG recused himself. Which really upset me even before I knew what it meant.
And by the time I finally knew what it meant, the number two guy, a Jewish guy who reminds me of the guys we gave wedgies to in military school, appoints a good friend of the FBI guy I fired in the first place, to investigate me! Which is really like, if you think about it, me hiring a guy to investigate me. Which is kind of crazy, but actually not that bad an idea when you think about it. And that’s what I am now really trying to offer, which is to investigate myself. Because no one knows me like myself.
I would ask all the best questions. And if I took the fifth, I would not tolerate that for a minute. I think in retrospect I would in fact let myself take the fourth or the sixth, but not the fifth. Because they took the fifth in The Godfather Part II, and the whole case really fell apart when the guy’s brother from Italy walked in all of a sudden. And then the guy killed himself when he cut his wrists in a bathtub and I hate the sight of blood, especially my own.
Which is really the main point I’m trying to make, which is that I have decided not just to be my own advisor but my own cabinet, my own Congress, and my own Supreme Court. That’s right, I’m firing everybody. And I’m really too busy to do all of it myself, so I’m going to fire one guy on Twitter and have him fire the next guy, and him fire the next guy, and so on and so on down the line. And then, finally, there will be no witch hunt, no collusion, and best of all no briefings.