Michael Bloomberg Begins and Ends His Run for President in the Same Interview

His chances hover somewhere between zero and "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Author:
Updated:
Original:
How many seconds did my presidential aspirations last? This many.

How many seconds did my presidential aspirations last? This many.

Billionaire playboy of New York City, Bruce Wayne, errrr....Michael Bloomberg has decided that, yes, he might just indeed run for president as a Democrat because the Republican Party is fucking insane. The problem with that is that Michael Bloomberg is, shall we say....not a good fit for the Democratic base?

In the interview Friday — his first extended comments on his thinking about a 2020 presidential run — Mr. Bloomberg expressed stubbornly contrary views on those fronts. He criticized liberal Democrats’ attitude toward big business, endorsing certain financial regulations but singling out a proposal by Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts to break up Wall Street banks as wrongheaded. He also defended his mayoral administration’s policy of stopping people on the street to search them for guns, a police tactic that predominantly affected black and Latino men, as a necessary expedient against crime.

And while Mr. Bloomberg expressed concern about allegations of sexual misconduct that have arisen in the last year, he also voiced doubt about some of them and said only a court could determine their veracity. He gave as an example Charlie Rose, the disgraced television anchor who for years broadcast his eponymous talk show from the offices of Mr. Bloomberg’s company.

Black and Latino voters are already rip-roaring mad at Republicans and the "legal" white supremacy they're pushing from the highest levels. They're not even interested in supporting white progressives that are not sufficiently receptive to their needs as marginalized communities. How well do you think they're going to warm up to a white man openly defending one of the most racist police policies of the last 30 years?

Progressives are going to look at a billionaire businessman telling them that Wall Street isn't so bad and die laughing. I don't know, maybe this is Bloomberg's secret plan to get rid of the progressives? If so, I'd happily accept a well-paying position on his staff to tell him it's a really stupid one. The progressive wing will savage him nonstop, and deservedly so. No one becomes a billionaire without a load of financial skeletons in the closet and the progressive wing is highly intolerant of such shenanigans.

Women are going to listen to his defense of Charlie Rose and hear all of the men in their lives that have ever told them to stop being hysterical. Women are pretty much over men like Bloomberg and that's why they're running in record numbers this year. It seems unlikely they're suddenly going to embrace his condescending attitude.

It's possible that by the time Bloomberg officially throws his hat in the ring, his advisors (of which I will naturally be one), will have tied him to a chair and made him watch every episode of The West Wing so he learns how to least pretend he's not a Republican running as a Democrat. More likely, he'll flood the airwaves with campaign ads and assume his money and name recognition will carry the day.

Good luck with that, Mikey. It didn't work for Hillary and she's actually a liberal. Just being rich, white, male, and "not Trump" isn't going to cut it. I guess you'll find that out some enough.

RELATED