Skip to main content

A Rightwing Guide To The Collapsing Universe

As the walls close in on the self-contradictory unstable Trump universe, each day sucking in onetime allies and flunkies like a black hole of mostly white males, it is no longer enough to defend every presidential tweet, fart, and senior moment like a bunch of kamikazes. There is now a clarion call to boil every so-called liberal in a large vat of scapegoat stew.

If you subject yourself to an hour or more of right wing radio each week—which I do as a kind of masochistic intellectual inoculation ritual—you already know the likes of Savage, Hannity, Levin, and their sycophantic wannabe fill-in hosts have long stooped to blaming the so-called left for the dysfunction of Donald Trump. More recently, as the end of modern pseudo-conservative days approaches rapidly, this scapegoating has been extended to virtually all the ills of mankind dating back to the Pleistocene era.

So, for the record, old age in America was a cakewalk until Social Security. Race relations were better before the Civil Rights Act. Women were happier before they had the option of entering the workforce. Medical care was superior when you had to roll pennies to get a fractured bone set. Yes, we get it. Progressivism in even its most practical form destroyed the Davy Crockett flavor of our survivalist American existence, weakened our moral fortitude, and forced us to live long enough to have to deal with a midlife crisis.

But lately—and by lately I mean now that the reality show Fuhrer is edging toward freefall —rightwing media are beginning to push a far more comprehensive and utterly insane narrative. Listeners badly in need of a life can now call in and receive complete absolution on any personal issue whatsoever in the form of liberal ravaging.

Britney or Brooklyn or Brianna wouldn’t put out last night? Feminazis made her go lesbo. Diagnosed with lung cancer after 30 years of two packs a day? Obamacare. Losing your hair? Rob Reiner. Gaining weight? Michael Moore. Ballgame rained out? Look no further than the left and their conspiratorial climatologists. Cut yourself shaving? Left side of your face? Need you ask?

Wife cheating on you? Hillary Clinton. Husband cheating on you? Bill Clinton. Got your clock cleaned in a pickup basketball game? LeBron James. Teenage daughter sexting? Anthony Weiner. Lost the office football pool? Colin Kaepernick. Nasty case of chlamydia? Eliot Spitzer. Lost a chunk of change at a Native American casino? Elizabeth Warren.

Son caught with a weapon at school? Those un-American kids from Parkland High School. Favorite sitcom cancelled? Valerie Jarrett. Woken up by a nightmare? The Dreamers. Condom malfunction? Planned Parenthood. Broke and live in the South? The Southern Poverty Law Center.

But why limit the blame game to flimsy, insipid word associations? True liberal scapegoating should be as random as wearing a blindfold and taking wild swings at Nancy Pelosi-shaped piñata. Flat tire? Trust me, it’s the left. Stepped in dog crap? The left again. Can’t find a parking spot? A vast leftwing conspiracy. Pickup truck towed? Robert Mueller. Bowling shoes tight? Mexicans. Hangnail? FDR. Freeway backed up? Saul Alinsky. Dunkin’ Donuts all out of éclairs? Fidel Castro. Piggly Wiggly fresh out of hot dogs? Karl Marx.

What does all this mean for you and me? It means simply we are personally responsible for destroying countless human lives just by being ourselves. As left-leaning subversive Black Lives Matter supporters, we must confess now or be stripped of our security clearance for all eternity.

Repeat after me. I, (state your name), am guilty of recycling. I somewhat enjoyed the HBO series Girls. I received at least a B in sociology, psychology, or some other radicalized social science. I bathe and use deodorant. I clear the table to save my wife time. I have black friends. I have Muslim friends. I once had a gay wet dream. I can name three or more impressionist painters.

I am a progressive socialist pinko latte sipping sushi eating bicoastal elitist libtard. I hereby pledge to pretend to be who millions of brainwashed Trump supporters think I am so they will never have to look at themselves in the mirror and acknowledge their failures are entirely of their own making. You’re welcome, America.