Good evening. As many of you know, a couple of years ago I started a business venture that included running for President of the United States. I was in more debt than anyone except Robert Mueller probably knows. One night, a couple of Russian oligarchs at Mar-a-Lago suggested I run for president to increase my brand exposure. I said, sure, if you fund it, I’ll do it. I’ll get you guys some good PR. I’ll get five, maybe ten percent in the primaries, have a lot of fun, and when it’s all over open up a few more hotels, including one in Moscow.
Well, I think you all know what happened next. Remember when you were in Phi Gamma Delta or whatever fraternity you happened to be in and one of your frat brothers gave you a dare? You know, slip something in your date’s drink and bring her upstairs. But then it wound up getting kind of nasty and going on for hours with everyone and their cousin involved?
That’s kind of what happened with this presidency thing. It was basically a prank that got out of hand. So people bought it, and I went with it, and people bought it some more. Incredible, right? And I’m not complaining, because I made more money in one year than I made in the past 20, I’m all squared away with my Russian friends, and I got Jared and Ivanka real jobs.
But enough is enough. I mean, I went with this charade for a long time, and I have to say I’m done with it. To quote H.L. Mencken, who is an example of somebody who's done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice, nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American people. This whole time, you never really got to know the real me. For instance, did you know I have a crush on Rachel Maddow? And they say I don’t read. Well, I read Ta-Nehisi’s Coates’ Between the World and Me from cover to cover. I just don’t remember any of it.
For me at this point it’s really a lot like beating a dead dog, and as you know I prefer beating live dogs or just shooting them on Fifth Avenue. So I’m Audi 5000, which by the way is a wonderful, wonderful automobile. And the thing is, these leakers say I’m angry. I’m afraid of the investigation. Maybe a little of both, but when you scrape underneath everything, what I really am is bored. And trapped in this little round room. Being leader of the free world isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I used to like putting up buildings because I could see them going up. But I really don’t know what I’m building here, if anything. Yeah, a wall, but really only a wall around myself. Everybody’s talking at me. I don’t hear a word they’re saying. Only the echoes of my mind.
And when the hell did firing people get so impossible? You people paid me to do it on TV and I almost patented the phrase. Now I need all sorts of approvals to get rid of one special prosecutor with tiny hands? I still want to drain the swamp. But I really don’t know what it is or where it is.
And for the last time, there was no collusion. There was a conspiracy. There was a plan, a plot, a scheme. There was a collaboration. There was international coordination and subterfuge. There was a ploy, a trick, a ruse. We even got into a few voting machines and laughed about it afterwards over a very, very expensive bottle of vodka. But there was no collusion.
So you won’t have Donald J. Trump to kick around anymore with all that fake news, although I have to tell you an awful lot of it was real. But you’ll be seeing me this fall on Fox on an all new season of The Apprentice. Good luck with Mike Pence, or as we like to call him around here, the 60-year-old virgin. And don’t feel bad for me. I have to tell you, I won a huge bet. A huge, huge bet.