They're Coming

(SATIRE WARNING!)

Yesterday morning they emerged ready. Millions of Americans headed to the polls to cast their votes. For most it was a day like any other, but for some, misogynists and bigots, Judgement Day had arrived in the environs of the Commonwealth of Virginia and the state of New Jersey.

The day after Election Day 2017 I headed out of my basement apartment, hopped in my ’92 Nissan Stanza and made my way out to Reston, and Chantilly Virigina to witness firsthand the impending Manocide the Right Wing had warned the world about should this come to pass.

It was to be a Ragnarok for dipshits. Or so they'd said.

“I seen ‘em. Some would come alone, others in twos or threes. Packs of ‘em! Comin’ to make their voices heard,” said one local, salt of the earth man with a curiously oversized right eye as I got out of my car and headed into a coffee shop.

“Who are you talking about?” I queried.

“The Suffragettes Valorium! The Amazonian She Devils of the one called Hillary. They hold within them a great rage, and yesterday that were unleashed it. Now the world is coming to end.”

With stunning victories in governors’ races in Virginia and New Jersey, along with victories in the state and local governments nationwide, many of which carried there by women and people of color, misogynists were terrified of the portent of things to come.

“This is the end of all things for us. A great uprising has begun,” said Jacob Kilgore, a man who’d voted for Trump, as he nervously glanced around the coffee shop I'd popped into.  “All I wanted to do was keep making off color jokes at work, and not be dragged to HR about it. How does that make me the bad guy?”

Jacob recounted tales of scores of women, lattes in hand, clad in Wonder Woman and “I’m With Her” apparel, the shock troops of Suffragettes Valorium, who marched into voting booths and made their voices heard. They’d elected leaders who promised an end to a way of life that had been largely unchecked in recent memory.

“They’re comin’ for us all!” stammered a wide eyed Dave Sanders who'd overheard Jacob's rant. Dave was a middle aged man who spent his free time making abusive and sexually suggestive comments to women on social media, but "just in fun". And now it was looking like the end for him as well.  “Trump has abandoned us! The center will not hold!” he screamed to an uncaring coffee shop.

Across social media women celebrated with thanks to the their patroness, and liege Hillary Rodham Clinton. No torrent of abuse would silence them. The day was their’s.

“I’ve not seen a day like this in Virginia since nigh on… Four years ago, in the year of the one called Obama the Kenyan,” said the great political soothsayer John Soundbitington “A great conflagration has been ignited. None shall be spared. For those who have clung to the old ways, those who have dared profane the one called Hillary this is the end of all things.”

As I walked through hamlets of Northern Virginia, my only guide a man who went simply by the name of “Bruh Kenny” I spied none of the “she devils” the men I’d met had spoken of. 

“Oh they’re out there,” said “Bruh Kenny” ominously. “And now with these victories their blood will be up. They’ll come howling for ours before too long just you wait."

I stood in the relative quiet of the day, the noise of the automobiles and traffic jams filled the air of NoVA. “Seems like it’s just the same. I mean they won’t even take office until after the new year,” I said.

“Bruh Kenny” shook his head, “Oh you’re such a poor lad. Poor, simple Frederic. You’re a white cis gendered male! If the Suffragettes don’t get ya, the Feminists most certainly will.”

“You know I’m a Democrat right? I’m kind of happy about this. Scratch that I’m like fucking overjoyed by this,” I said matter of factly.

“Bruh Kenny’s” head swung from side to side looking for unseen oppressors which had yet to show. 

“This is as far as I take ya Democrat. Yer on your own now,” “Bruh Kenny” said as he scurried off leaving me in a small park. “Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!”

I took a seat on a bench to wait for my supposed impending doom. It had been a year since the Will of the People had been stymied by the antiquated Electoral College, which didn’t work as it was intended, and interference from the Russians. Now the backlash has reached a fever pitch.

People of color, women, and trans folks had been elected. America was fighting to become more diverse and to some this was the end of all things. 


As I took in the world it seemed the same, perhaps even a little brighter. I finished my coffee, gave a polite nod to a woman who jogged past me and continued on my way. Perhaps it was time for the world to end, and another one to be born in its place?

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