This ain't Cotillion. So don't waste a muthaf**ka's time!

[SATIRE WARNING: THIS IS SATIRE. SORT OF...]

Controversial Alabama Republican Senate Candidate and two time former State Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore released a how to guide on “courtship and feminine etiquette”.

“I felt, with the way my name has been maligned in the media, that I should do my part to help make the world a little bit better. This book is an attempt to do just that,” said Moore at part of a press release.

The book, Reflections from a Mall Fountain: An Etiquette Guide to Teenage Courtship, won’t officially be out in paperback and hardcover for another week with the digital release date is set for Wednesday.

The work is self-published under the company Sun Dress Salutations.  SDS issued a press release which included excerpts containing advice for everything from telephone conversations to interactions in public, though mostly mall specific situations.

While poll numbers in Alabama seem to favor Democratic Senate Candidate and prosecutor of the KKK Doug Jones for the moment Moore is hopeful that with this book voters, and the world, will see another side of him. 

As part of the book release Moore wrote, “This work is not an apologia, which some will claim, though it is a bit of nostalgia. Rather it is a tool for greater social harmony between the sexes. To cut down on the confusion, and the blame which is so often misplaced especially when it results in the banishment from the public square, or what is quaintly referred to as 'The Mall'.”

From the book:

“On the receipt of telephone calls: Always be polite. A gentleman caller might surprise you with a call at your home, part-time after school workplace, or even school itself. Whether it is to a new fangled cellular phone, or to the phone at your school’s administration office the intention is always the same. A young lady should be respectful and flattered for your potential gentleman is taking time out of his day to give attention to YOU! Don’t be a waste of his time.”

He's really talking about teenage girls. Not women. Just to be clear. 

He's really talking about teenage girls. Not women. Just to be clear. 

“On the receipt of complimentary overtures: A proper gentleman should always compliment his paramour. Whether it’s on her school book bag, how she exits the school bus with grace and dignity, or the varsity jacket of her former beau that he’ll soon be replacing a lady should take each overture as they were intended: with grace and gratitude. Always remember to smile, and be respectful. This will show your gentleman you are not a waste of his time.”

We're talking around this age. The guy called a girl's high school and pulled her out of class to ask for a date. He was 32 years old.

We're talking around this age. The guy called a girl's high school and pulled her out of class to ask for a date. He was 32 years old.

“On the meeting with your mother: This might seem to be out of your hands but oh not true! Your mother will always see you as her baby girl, and rightfully so. But you are a blooming flower, a ripening fruit, and you need to demonstrate this to her by advocating for your gentleman. Tell her how respectful he has been, and how appreciative you are of his overtures. By doing so you’ll show your mother that you’re ready for the seriousness of courtship, and most importantly you’ll demonstrate you are worth your gentleman’s time."

Again. To be clear. Roy Moore didn't purse the mother who would be about his age. The daughter. The teenage daughter with four years of high school. ALL of high school still left. He pursued her. When he was 32. 

Again. To be clear. Roy Moore didn't purse the mother who would be about his age. The daughter. The teenage daughter with four years of high school. ALL of high school still left. He pursued her. When he was 32. 

Pre-sales for the hardcover book are already selling well in states beyond Alabama, specifically Mississippi, Georgia, Texas, Florida, Missouri, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina, and Louisiana. One commenter, TenderVittles69, wrote “It’s about time someone said it! Feminists have filled these poor young girls heads will all sorts of nonsense. Moore is speaking the truth!”

Although the book is self-published I was able to get in touch with Moore’s manager for the book who gave his name as “Just Dave”.

“The purpose of this book isn’t so much to set the record straight. Roy has nothing to set straight because anything that seems improper is just Liberal lies and slander. The Femi-Nazis have women so confused today Roy felt it was time to do something about it.”

While polls indict that Moore's past predatory behavior might be the line for some Republican voters early books sales seem to indict the opposite. In fact, many Republican voters simply don't care as long as he's not a Democrat.

RELATED ARTICLES