Mass Shooter Struggles In Search To Find Pristine Community To Devastate

There's really not a lot of options left in America
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There's really not a lot of options left in America
Man Looking At World Map

(Satire Warning!)

Anytown, USA

On the surface John Everyman is just another quiet, but quirky neighbor. The 57 year old caucasian loves to sing in his church choir, listens to “non-offensive music” and gets excited about his Canasta and Bridge night. 

While Mr. Everyman is dedicated to his secret, all consuming rage to become America’s next mass murderer there’s just a problem.

“There’s been so many mass shootings it’s hard to pick a place,” Everyman man said as he clicked on the updated Google Maps icon which now included Las Vegas, Nevada where a shooter killed 59 and wounded over 500 others, Lawerence, Kansas where a shooter left 3 dead and 2 wounded on the same day, and Sutherland Spring, TX where a shooter left 26 dead including an 18 month old child in a church.

 “Vegas and Lawerence were almost on top of each other. Even I’m having difficulty figuring out which happened first. But one thing’s for certain unless you’re really following it, mass shootings, you’d never even know! Vegas is the new benchmark.”

Mr. Everyman, like many mass murders in America today, finds it increasingly difficult to find a location "untainted" with a history with mass shootings.

 “Did you know Vegas had a mass shooting in 2014? That was a couple who were dressed as comic book characters if I remember correctly. But no one’s gonna remember that now. And that’s just sad.”

Mr. Everyman had spent considerable time building an arsenal, getting ready for the day he finally commits to a course of action. Racks of rifles, shotguns, and pistols are intermixed with ingredients for homemade explosives and body armor lined his basement. 

When I inquired the logistical nightmare it must’ve been to acquire such an extensive cache of weapons he smiled bashfully.

 “Oh no it’s not difficult at all. I get a lot of my stuff from gun shows, and with a little research online you can find out which gun dealers don’t even perform cursory checks. Besides I like to head to states like Nevada and Arizona to make my bulk purchases. I turn it into a mini-vacation!”

“How many are fully automatic?” I inquired pointing at the multiple racks of rifles.

 “A lot of them. If you’re not going full auto these days your body count is really gonna suffer. Americans know to run for cover as soon as they hear gunshots, and it’s not just ghetto kids anymore. So you’re gonna get runners and unless you’re an ace marksman you’re not gonna get the count you want. Yup, it’s definitely full auto.”

 In his kitchen as we sipped coffee the weight of making the final choice for his killing spree weighed heavily on him.

 “I thought about picking a theme you know? But abortion clinics have been done. School shootings aren’t exciting anymore. It’s so routine there’s drills for it. And I don’t wanna go down as another work place shooter. I’m not an radical ideologue, so killing minorities isn’t my thing."

"You haven't consider your church?" I asked completely desensitized at this point. This entire farce seemed routine in America.

"Yeah, but that just happened in Texas. I mean I’ll do it if that’s what it takes but I want the freedom to kill whoever I want. This is America!" Everyman said as he put his hands in head in frustration. "I’m really stumped on this one.”

 “I’ve bottled up this all consuming rage for so long it’s getting harder and harder to hold it in. Soon people will catch on. Fuck there was even a mass shooting in Anchorage, Alaska!”

 Most of his neighbors are clueless about Mr. Everyman’s all consuming mass murder project focusing instead on the limited interaction they’ve spent with the future mass murderer.

 “John’s a quiet man, but boy howdy he can get really passionate about cards!,” said Doris Blithely, mother of three and Canasta night regular, who as of this writing remains clueless on the numerous ways Mr. Everyman has thought of murdering her with various firearms.

 “Aren’t you afraid that after this Americans might demand Gun Control and you’ll miss your chance?” I asked Mr. Everyman.

 “Oh no! Not in the slightest. My fear is I’ll have to settle for being just another neighborhood killer. With a pace of close to one mass shooting a day in the United States there’s immense pressure to be unique. It’s the only way you make the news anymore. I mean raining down automatic fire from 32 stories up! That’s gonna be hard to top but someone will,” Mr. Everyman said with a hint of sadness in his voice.

"I just hope I'm that someone."

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