Heaven Corp Issues Clarification On Prayer Response In Wake Of Texas Mass Shooting - The Daily Banter
Thoughts & Prayers Are As Effective As They've Always Been

(SATIRE WARNING!)

On Sunday, November 5th, as of this writing 26 people were killed in a mass shooting in a church in Sutherland Springs, TX. Parishioners were in the middle of service when Devin Kelly, American Terrorist, opened fire.

While some criticism usually gets levied at God, also known by his nom de plume 'Jehovah', and his company, Heaven Corp., after every shooting rampage in the United States, this latest shooting was especially damaging to God’s public perception because it happened in one of Heaven Corp’s franchise locations during a worship day. 

Less than 24 hours after the shooting Heaven Corp released a statement expressing support for the victims and their families, but also clarified Heaven Corp’s "Interaction Policy" with the Mortal Realm.

“While Heaven Corp absolutely sympathizes with the victims of this tragic turn of events Jehovah, God Almighty, is under no contractual obligation to answer prayers no matter the form, place, or circumstance issued from,” said Daphne, Angelic Being and Senior Vice President of Public Relations - Supplicant Experience.

“It’s been Heaven Corp’s standard practice for over two millennia now to refrain from any and all miracles, whether public or private, individual or group. Heaven Corp has maintained a standard response to prayers through our ‘Catharsis & Condolences’ program which we're quite proud of given our consistency for our two thousand years.”

No Angelic Representative would speak with The Daily Banter on or off the record. All calls to Heaven Corp’s Supplicant Relations & Customer Service line have been unreturned. However Demogorgon, After Life Political Analyst and Award Winning Author of “Hellbound: The Rise of Lilith”, commented on God’s clarification and what this means for humanity.

“Heaven Corp’s been out of the active soul game for a long time. It’s basically just brand recognition at this point. Their soul market share is derived from capital gains from initial investments, and although they've had some drops in their stock price Heaven Corp is still a value brand. It’s what amazing what great PR can do for you.”

Although the media has received no confirmed reports if any of those slain reached out to God at the critical moment to spare them it’s this notion of "Active Intervention" that Demogorgon says is the biggest misconception mortals have about Jehovah, God Almighty.

“Heaven Corps hasn’t actually answered a prayer or performed a miracle in since their last ER (earthly representative) went a little… Well, lets just say JC (Jesus Christ) was a little too into being a company man. The thing is Heaven doesn’t really do anything for their supplicants,” Demogorgon said via mind link technology. 

“So why do they still have so many believers?” I asked as capillaries burst in my nose. Even with the minor cranial trauma, mind link is better than FaceTime.

“Think of them like Republicans. They don’t really have to do anything for their most reverent supporters at this point. They have a brand name, and being associated with that is all that matters,” DG said in wry albeit unearthly, disembodied voice.

“So even with 26 dead in a house of worship dedicated to Him, Heaven Corp’s response is basically gonna be ‘Thoughts and Prayers’?” I asked confused. It seemed incredible.

Demogorgon chortled/gurgled. “Pretty much. Look I’m no expert on mortal politics, especially US politics which to me is just pigs squealing over slop, but you have elected officials right? Americans best chance for change would be to make them actually do some work and pass legislation.”

“So you’re saying it’s hopeless then,” I said, with a touch of gallows humor.

“In terms of where you’re at with Gun Control? Probably. But I’ll tell you this that’s all you got cause Heaven won’t do anything for you.”

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