Republican Leaders were ecstatic after President Trump gave himself a perfect score on his administration’s handling of Puerto Rico during a press conference.
When Trump was asked by reporters how he’d grade his administration’s efforts on the relief effort from Hurricane Maria Trump didn’t hesitate.
“I’d give ourselves a 10. 10 out of 10.”
“Anyway you slice it, this Puerto Rican thing was a beast to handle. To come away with a 7 would’ve be a “Heck Of A Job Brownie” but to get a 10?! Astounding,” said Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader, as he beamed with pride watching President Trump walk away from the podium.
While Mitch McConnell was stunned at the brazen confidence of his party’s steward Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House, was much less reserved.
“Totally agree. Yeah it’s high marks, but when you look at the Republican standard for excellence you’ll see President Trump hit every single metric. All the damn walls My man Trumpie! You did it bruh! 10 baby!” the normally monotone Ryan said in an uncharacteristic, "spontaneous” outburst of excitement perfectly timed to take advantage of the cameras and press surrounding him.
Even Bob Corker, Republican Senator from TN, couldn’t hold back on the spectacle that was unfolding around him. “Gonna be a lot of Proud Papas at the ole Daycare Center today,” He said in his laconic Tennessee drawl.
Party faithful and worker watched anxiously as the President delivered his assessment on Puerto Rico. Huddled in briefing rooms, hanging on every word, sipping pumpkin spice lattes to try and calm already frazzled nerves a great cheer resounded throughout the District of Columbia when the President gave his assessment.
“I just remember shouting until my lungs threatened to give out,” said Greg White, who wore his MAGA hat for the occassion. “A 10! This is unreal! All the effort we put into Puerto Rico making sure we knew where it was has paid off!”
“If anyone should take credit for this it’s President Trump and the Republican Party. Trump’s leadership is a mirror reflecting to the American people the kind of excellence, and effectiveness they’ve come to expect from the this administration,” said Kelly Anne Conway matter of factly. “Although it may not look like it I’m over enjoyed. Unfortunately the last of my humanity burned out long ago, and I don’t remember who to make emotions,” she followed up concentrating on making her lips turn into a mockery of a smile.
Shortly after the press conference a memo was leaked to the The Daily Banter which summed up Trump’s Ten Point Plan for the Hurricane Maria Relief Effort.
Hurricane Deal - NOT MIAMI FOOTBALL LIST!!!
1) Don’t Forget to Do Something About Puerto Rico (Check)
2) Tell Media Puerto Rico is Surrounded by Water. They Might Forget (Check)
3) Send a Tweet About Puerto Rico (Check)
4) Have Butler Guy Check About Flight Down There If Stuff Doesn’t Fix Itself (Check)
5) Bring Papertowels If You Go. See Point 2 About Water (Check)
6) Send Another Tweet About Puerto Rico (Check)
7) Check Haters On Twitter AKA San Juan Bitch-A-Nesta (Double Check!)
8) Give Thumbs Up to Kelly, Old General Dude Not the Gross Chick, in Meeting About Puerto Rico. Make Sure He Gives Thumbs Up Back (Check)
9) Head Down for Press Deal in Puerto Rico Itself - BONUS Hand Out Supplies for Extra Credit (Check - Missed Bonus Due to Failure to Hit Back Row)
10) Check Point 1 thru 9 for Accuracy (Check)
“I would dare anyone to try and replicate the same feat President Trump did on the Hurricane Maria Relief Effort,” said White House Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders. “President Trump has proven time and time again once he sets his mind to something he follows through on it, and no one is tougher on himself than President Trump."
Later in the Oval Office kitchenette surrounded by the First Lady and the White Staff Trump received a round of applause as he affixed the graded sheet of loose leaf notebook paper on the refrigerator with a magnet.
“Now every time you come in here you’ll remember the amazing job we did. How when the chips were down and we faced a disaster on an island, surrounded by water, out in the ocean, with all their problems, and untrained soldiers driving trucks we got a 10,” Trump said magnanimously as John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff, nudged by him to get another cup of coffee to wash down a handful of pills he unceremoniously slammed into his mouth.