If Satan Calls You With Concerns It's Not Just a Bad Week

Infernal sources report that a phone call between the Lord of Lies, President Trump, and the fallen angel Lucifer, Ruler of Hell, took place late Thursday morning. The nature of the call was due to Lucifer’s “grave concern” over the lack of stable leadership coming from the White House.



“While Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, has always been a supporter of spreading fear and corruption throughout human history there’s also a certain finesse to the way things are done,” said Abaddon, Head of Public Relations for Hell Inc.



“True evil, paradoxically has to be mixed in with a little good. Anyone can just be force of destruction given the right tools. And if you’re constantly one way, going for the most hurtful option sure you’re evil, but only the most base kind,” Lucifer wrote in his best selling work ‘Paragon: How to Build An Empire’. “Corruption, like a fine wine, needs to be cultivated and it takes time. It’s an ebb and flow. One should lay the seeds of destruction in a fertile field so when the time is right the crop gives the greatest yield of misery.”



When asked if this is a sign that Lucifer’s support of President Trump had waned Abaddon offered this response, “Hell Inc. has been outspoken and firm in its support of the Republican Party for the better part of five decades. And while Satan still believes in President Trump, and his potential there have been some missteps the Prince of Darkness feels need addressing.”



Unconfirmed Infernal Sources within Lucifer’s inner circle report a “disdain”, even “utter contempt” at what is perceived to be a “total failure of leadership”.



I met with Demogorgon, an Infernal political analyst whose columns have appeared in the Brimstone Tribune and The Ninth Level. I asked her what specific issues Lucifer had with the Trump Administration.



“For specifics there’s so many it's too long to go through them. Let's hit the most recent big ones. There’s his handling of the relief efforts in Puerto Rico. Apparently he was more concerned about “hitting back row shots” with the paper towels in his staged town hall than mollifying fears of his failing leadership. That’s bad optics. Then there’s the antagonizing of North Korea. Even little things like rolling back the rules on former first lady Michelle Obama’s school lunch program. That was just spiteful,” remarked Demogorgon. “But overall Lucifer is unhappy with Trump. And that’s bad if you’re Trump.”



When I asked Demogorgon if Lucifer’s criticism had more to do with his favored candidate, Texas Senator Ted Cruz, losing the Republican Primary in the 2016 Presidential Election and less than legitimate concerns with the current administration she dismissed those.



“It’s no secret that Satan loves the Fundamentalist Evangelicals. They give him the most press, which lets be honest he’s got a bit of an ego. But they also don’t want to tear down systemic structures that have taken a long time to put into place. Structures that allow for the biggest yield of misery and corruption over time. Take Wall Street for example.”



“So are you saying that Trump’s an anarchist?” I pressed.



“I’m saying Trump’s a moron to paraphrase Tillerson, and he’s a heartburn for Lucifer. The long and short of it is the guy’s just a shit show as President.”



As of this reporting Satan himself has declined to comment personally. 

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