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Teddy Roosevelt Threatens to Enter the Mortal Realm In Order to ‘Thrash’ Trump Over I.Q. Test Challenge

When Your Presidency Is So Awful Teddy Roosevelt Is Ready to Come Out of Retirement
Teddy Roosevelt Robin Williams

Celestial Sources report that upon hearing the news that the 45th President of the United States Donald Trump called for an “I.Q. Test” against his own Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, the spiritual material that was the former President Teddy Roosevelt flung his flask against the wall of his celestial manor house and threatened to manifest in the material realm.

“It’s an absolute disgrace! I shan’t stand by for this! I shan’t!” Roosevelt raged to a younger, more slim version of former President William Taft. The two men had been enjoying a game of chess when news of the test came across the mortal wire. Taft attempted to calm Roosevelt but to no avail. Grabbing a large walking stick he once used on his journey to see the Panama Canal construction Roosevelt shook it vigorously, “Make no attempt to dissuade or subdue me Billy! I’m of a mind to give that gibbering baboon a sound thrashing!”

After Roosevelt stalked off to fetch a “fitting regalia for havoc” with a confused celestial attendant he ordered to come with him, Taft made some several phone calls for assistance. The first were to former President McKinley and Wilson, both who didn’t answer and then to Franklin and Elenor Roosevelt who rushed over post haste.

When Teddy reentered into the parlor dressed in his old Rough Rider outfit he gestured to his celestial attendant, “I shall be the Scourge FOR San Juan this time! You’ll see, I’ll-” He stopped mid rant, confused for a moment as Franklin and Eleanor stood up. “No. I know why you’re here. Do not seek to meditate my course. I no longer care for prudence!” Teddy growled as he moved to fetch saber from the mantle over the fireplace.

“Theodore, I do apologize but might I call upon your goodly nature, and impose on you? Please listen to our most feeble of pleas,” Eleanor said softly.

“Yes. A quick chat by the fireside, Teddy,” FDR followed up in support.

Grumbling Teddy sat down, and put his saber to the side for the moment. “I will say, from the outset, I am not bedeviled by your guile, but if you put stock in vanity then by all means sally forth.” 

“Theodore. I know this Trump is of the most ghastly sort, and I cringe every time he opens his mouth particularly in regards to my own, formerly corporeal, sex. But we are to have no interactions with mortals. That is the pact we made our celestial overlords,” Eleanor said as she sipped celestial tea.

“An I.Q. test, Eleanor. The man, if he could even be so called, said to the press that he would take an I.Q. test against his own Secretary of State! Now you know Billy and I have been cross in the past but this demeans all of us! To go from President Obama, a man of soaring rhetorical flourish, deep compassion, and profound intelligence to a... “Pussy Grabber”?!” Roosevelt ranted, his face turning a deep crimson.

He apologized quickly as Eleanor Roosevelt closed her eyes at the mention of “that ghastly phrase”, but Teddy didn’t let up. “I am sorry for such vulgarity but this man. No he is not that! This swine masquerading as a man needs a smart drubbing! And I aim to deliver it.”

FDR grinned sympathetically, “I share your frustration Teddy. I do. But this is the representative that the American people-” “He won the College!” Teddy interrupted. “Hillary won the popular vote! By rights she should’ve been sworn!” FDR took a deep breath, and continued, “I don’t disagree with you. But the American people must figure this out for themselves. The nation has survived calamity. It will survive this too.”

“An I.Q. Test Franklin. A bloody pox’d, infernal, damned all I.Q. test! From the President!” Teddy said as he swung up from the couch and began to pace the room.

Celestial Sources report as of this writing while FDR and Eleanor have made little headway in convincing Teddy to relent he hasn’t left the parlor of his celestial manor. All news portals to the mortal realm have been turned off by celestial attendants.