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How to be Nice to Nazis

A Guide to More User-Friendly Blitzkriegs, Pogroms, and Krystallnachts

Apparently it was our lack of hospitality that caused all the death and injury in Charlottesville. As progressives, we need to take this to heart and promise to do better in the future. After all, the Nazis and a motley crew of their KKK, alt-right, and skinhead friends are coming to a town near you and the house is a mess. You don’t have a thing to wear. You don’t know what to make. Fear not. Nazis are easy to please with a little self-discipline.

First of all, when you see a Nazi walking up your driveway with a torch, greet him with a heil and a smile. Invite him in along with several hundred of his doppelgängers . Make sure he has enough extra butane to light up a few shops downtown. Offer him some strudel. If he’s been on his feet all day, offer him the chair upholstered with human skin. Offer him your daughter. Don’t worry if she’s not pure Aryan. Nazis are equal opportunity rapists. 

Take an interest in his recent pillaging and plundering. View numerous Facebook and Instagram photos of villages he has sacked. Marvel at his SS dagger and swoon over his iron cross medal, even if it was picked up at a pawn shop in Terre Haute, Indiana. Let him clean his Luger in your living room and use your framed portrait of JFK, RFK, and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for target practice. Draw him a local map of where all the Jews, gays, mentally challenged, and Marxists live. Help him kidnap the editor of the local paper and force him to run pro-Third Reich editorials. Bomb a black Baptist church.

Engage in friendly small talk. Ask him how he first became interested in world domination and genocide. Who were some of his early influences? Is he a Nietzsche man or more of a Goethe guy? Does he prefer shooting people in the front or in the back? 

Then there are the statues. There are, of course, so many Confederate monuments that should remain standing, but what about all the fitting monuments yet to be built? Goebbels, Göring, Eichmann, Mengele. We’re talking a veritable Nazi Mount Rushmore. And please, when can we finally restore the swastika atop the Zeppelintribüne the U.S. Army so callously detonated in the spring of 1945?

Listen intently as he explains how Donald J. Trump is his Lord and Savior now that Adolph Hitler has apparently either swallowed cyanide or relocated to Argentina. Compliment the wallet size photos of him and an impish Steve Bannon during a recent ski trip to the Swiss Alps. Blow him.

Hide the copy of The Diary of Anne Frank. Hide the Philip Roth novels. Hide The Autobiography of Malcolm X. Take down the signed photo of Mark Spitz. Hide the DVD of Yentl. And the DVD of The Producers. And the Seinfeld: Season 4 DVD set. Hide the Babylonian Talmud. Better yet—toss them all on a pile and burn them. 

Draw him a bath and overcome any temptation whatsoever to flood the stall with Zyklon B. Feed his Dachshund raw meat. Invite the whole polka band over. Braid your hair and the hair of all your children and perform Das Rheingold by Wagner in its entirety. Tap a keg of Kölsch. Blow him again. Get a nose job. Turn off the Hogan’s Heroes rerun. 

Most importantly, let him know that his president is your president. Let him know that you, too, listen every day to Dr. Michael Savage and agree wholeheartedly that America is all about borders (The Rhine), language (German) and culture (Bavarian). Concur that orange hair is the next best thing to blond. That Slavs make good concubines. That it’s okay to have one Jew in the family to handle the money.

Invade Poland. Warn him not to invade Russia in the winter or, for that matter, ever. And let him know that if Trump ever happens to be impeached there will be a real Führer.