There have probably been thousands of articles and parodies written about Donald Trump since he secured the Republican nomination and rode a wave of white nationalism and racism into the Oval Office, but nothing can ever come close to matching the dick-swinging insanity that tumbles out of his radioactive potato face whenever he attempts to use the English language. Which is why the AP made the absolutely genius decision to simply release a full transcript of Julie Pace's interview with the president that is easily the must-read piece of Trump's entire political career. It is a mind-melting journey into Trump's psyche, and the equivalent of listening to your 80-year-old grandmother with Alzheimer's attempt to describe an alternative universe.
Whenever he isn't literally admitting that he has no fucking clue how anything works, he's frantically changing the subject to his "chemistry" with foreign leaders that clearly hate him or repeatedly mentioning how the Electoral College favors Democrats - ask Al Gore or Hillary Clinton about that - so isn't it just incredible that he won? Which is apparently Trump's new thing after enough people somehow convinced him to stop saying the largest electoral fraud in American history (that never happened) cost him the popular vote.
Anyway, I'm already making the mistake of trying to go toe-to-toe with the musings of President Pumpkin AnusMouth III, so here are the highlights. But do yourself a favor and definitely read the whole transcript because excerpts won't do it justice.
The First 100 Days
TRUMP: Yeah, sure. Next week. Because the hundred days is just an artificial barrier. The press keeps talking about the hundred days. But we've done a lot. You have a list of things. I don't have to read it.
AP: You did put out though, as a candidate, you put out a 100-day plan. Do you feel like you should be held accountable to that plan?
TRUMP: Somebody, yeah, somebody put out the concept of a hundred-day plan. But yeah. Well, I'm mostly there on most items. Go over the items, and I'll talk to you ...
First, here's a link to the 100-day action plan called "Donald Trump’s Contract with the American Voter" that his campaign put out. Of the items on the list, the only thing Trump accomplished is appointing Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court, but only after Mitch McConnell nuked the filibuster. Except here comes the mental patient part: Donald Trump didn't even know that was on the list.
AP: So in terms of the 100-day plan that you did put out during the campaign, do you feel, though, that people should hold you accountable to this in terms of judging success?
TRUMP: No, because much of the foundation's been laid. Things came up. I'll give you an example. I didn't put Supreme Court judge on the 100 (day) plan, and I got a Supreme Court judge.
AP: I think it's on there.
TRUMP: I don't know. ...
Now, to Trump's credit, he somehow has the self-awareness to know that he just fucked up and immediately tries to change the subject by rambling so much the AP literally can't make out what he's saying. This will happen a lot. 16 times by Jezebel's count.
TRUMP: Our military is so proud. They were not proud at all. They had their heads down. Now they have their heads up. ...
TRUMP: I'm rebuilding the military. We have great people. We have great things in place. We have tremendous borders. I mention the F-35 because if I can save $725 million — look at that, that's a massive amount of money. And I'll save more as we make more planes. If I can save that on a small number of planes — Gen. (Jim) Mattis (the defense secretary) said, "I've never seen anything like this," because he had to sign the ultimate (unintelligible) ... He had to sign the ultimate, you know. He said, "I've never seen anything like this before, as long as I've been in the military." You know, that kind of cutting.
TRUMP: Now, if I can do that (unintelligible) ... As an example, the aircraft carriers, billions of dollars, the Gerald Ford, billions and billions over budget. That won't happen.
AP: Is that something you're going to take on?
TRUMP: (unintelligible) But as we order the other ones, because they want to order 12, the other ones are going to come in much less expensive. ...
Nobody knows what the hell just happened there. Especially Donald Trump. Because, in reality, Mattis is already quietly telling Congress that Trump fucked him on the military budget. Sad!
Here's Trump trying to convince his base that there's still going to be a wall (there isn't) even though he's absolutely going to blink this week and not hold the government hostage. Because exactly like the numbers he pulls out of his ass here, Donald Trump is full of shit.
AP: It sounds like maybe you're beginning to send a message that if you do get a spending bill that doesn't have border funding in there, you would sign it.
TRUMP: Well, first of all, the wall will cost much less than the numbers I'm seeing. I'm seeing numbers, I mean, this wall is not going to be that expensive.
AP: What do you think the estimate on it would be?
TRUMP: Oh I'm seeing numbers — $24 billion, I think I'll do it for $10 billion or less. That's not a lot of money relative to what we're talking about. If we stop 1 percent of the drugs from coming in — and we'll stop all of it. But if we stop 1 percent of the drugs because we have the wall — they're coming around in certain areas, but if you have a wall, they can't do it because it's a real wall. That's a tremendously good investment, 1 percent. The drugs pouring through on the southern border are unbelievable. We're becoming a drug culture, there's so much. And most of it's coming from the southern border. The wall will stop the drugs.
AP: But, just trying to nail you down on it one more time, will you sign a spending bill if it doesn't have —
TRUMP: I don't want to comment. I just don't know yet. I mean, I have to see what's going on.
There won't be a wall.
And now for the most disturbing part of the interview where Donald Trump, the current President of the United States, admits that Donald Trump will readily give opinions on topics that Donald Trump doesn't know a goddamn thing about.
TRUMP: They had a quote from me that NATO's obsolete. But they didn't say why it was obsolete. I was on Wolf Blitzer, very fair interview, the first time I was ever asked about NATO, because I wasn't in government. People don't go around asking about NATO if I'm building a building in Manhattan, right? So they asked me, Wolf ... asked me about NATO, and I said two things. NATO's obsolete — not knowing much about NATO, now I know a lot about NATO — NATO is obsolete, and I said, "And the reason it's obsolete is because of the fact they don't focus on terrorism." You know, back when they did NATO there was no such thing as terrorism.
Just to be clear, that was Trump revealing that he knew basically nothing about NATO, and yet ran for president on the grounds that he would fix a problem he made up in his head while on TV. We are all going to die.
As you read this next part, keep in mind that Julian Assange is almost definitely sitting on hacked GOP documents, so this is about to get real interesting, real fast.
AP: If I could fit a couple of more topics. Jeff Sessions, your attorney general, is taking a tougher line suddenly on Julian Assange, saying that arresting him is a priority. You were supportive of what WikiLeaks was doing during the campaign with the release of the Clinton emails. Do you think that arresting Assange is a priority for the United States?
TRUMP: When Wikileaks came out ... never heard of Wikileaks, never heard of it. When Wikileaks came out, all I was just saying is, "Well, look at all this information here, this is pretty good stuff." You know, they tried to hack the Republican, the RNC, but we had good defenses. They didn't have defenses, which is pretty bad management. But we had good defenses, they tried to hack both of them. They weren't able to get through to Republicans. No, I found it very interesting when I read this stuff and I said, "Wow." It was just a figure of speech. I said, "Well, look at this. It's good reading."
"They weren't able to get through to Republicans." Hahahaha, wow. Jesus. And for the record, I genuinely believe Donald Trump is actually dumb enough to think that the GOP is just too badass to get hacked. And I'll tell you why.
Donald Trump Only Watches Fox News
In case Donald Trump admitting that he had no clue what NATO even does during the campaign wasn't disturbing enough, in the past year, he bravely taught himself to only watch Fox News, "the most accurate" cable news station (preferred by "alleged" sexual predators) that gives him positive coverage 24/7. Isn't that incredible?
AP: And do you feel like that's, that's because of the office that you now occupy —
AP: That you've made that change?
TRUMP: I don't know why it is, but I've developed that ability, and it's happened over the last, over the last year.
AP: That's interesting.
TRUMP: And I don't watch things that I know are going to be unpleasant. CNN has covered me unfairly and incorrectly and I don't watch them anymore. A lot of people don't watch them anymore, they're now in third place. But I've created something where people are watching ... but I don't watch CNN anymore. I don't watch MSNBC anymore. I don't watch things, and I never thought I had that ability. I always thought I'd watch.
TRUMP: I just don't. And that's taken place over the last year. And you know what that is, that's a great, it's a great thing because you leave, you leave for work in the morning you know, you're, you don't watch this total negativity. I never thought I'd be able to do that and for me, it's so easy to do now. Just don't watch.
AP: That's interesting.
And all of that was just the tip of the iceberg.
So, again, do yourself a favor and read the whole transcript. Because packaging it with commentary robs you of every batshit non sequitur and bullshit lie from an unhinged narcissist who already has a taste for missile launches. It's the type of document that's going to be required reading if future generations somehow exist.