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Jared Kushner Makes TIME 100 List, Gets Burned By Henry Kissinger

Thanks to being married to Ivanka, and doing Trump's job for him, Jared Kushner got a whopping two paragraphs in the TIME 100 issue. Watch out!
Jared Kushner Donald Trump

"That's right, you pureed squash, say the words my mind is compelling you to say."
"Jared opened a jar of pickles today without Ivanka's help. He's a very strong boy."

During the election, one of the attacks from the Bernie Sanders' crowd against Hillary Clinton - that I'm still seeing tossed around because fuck everything - is her relationship with Henry Kissinger, which clearly proved she would've been an insatiable warmonger like the world had never seen. Unlike, say, Donald Trump who's already killed a record amount of civilians barely two months into office, but her emails, bro.

Anyway, sources of aneurysms aside, guess who had the privilege of writing about Jared Kushner in the TIME 100 issue. I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with "No, Hillary wouldn't have been just as bad, you fucking idiot-issinger." And by write, I mean farted out exactly six sentences that are less accolades as they are a minimal statement of basic facts for Trust Fund Wesley Crusher who's more than likely the real president right now.

This space has been traversed for nearly four months by Jared Kushner, whom I first met about 18 months ago, when he introduced himself after a foreign policy lecture I had given. We have sporadically ­exchanged views since. As part of the Trump family, Jared is familiar with the intangibles of the President. As a graduate of Harvard and NYU, he has a broad education; as a businessman, a knowledge of administration. All this should help him make a success of his daunting role flying close to the sun.

Wow. Holy shit. That's one hell of an endorsement. Let's break it down:

Sometimes Jared Kushner emails Henry Kissinger. He's related to Donald Trump. He went to college. And something business.

I don't know about you, but I'd probably need more than that to hire somebody to man the Frappucino machine at Starbucks. Fortunately, Kushner's responsibilities only involve routine tasks like solving the entire Middle East and quietly forming a shadow government to usurp Steve Bannon's other shadow government so people think Donald Trump is actually running the country instead of just watching TV and tweeting, so I wouldn't worry too much about this. It'll be fine. (We're all dead.)