Over the past week or two virtually every major media outlet has been busy grading the President’s first 100 days in office, implying unfortunately that there is going to be a second 100 days and maybe even a third. But precious little attention has been paid to what we the people of the center-left have accomplished these past 100 days—until now.
It’s been real. We’ve had lows, lower lows, and bottomless lows. We’ve been tested and we have failed. We found out just what we’re made of, and it’s usually used to manufacture commercial grade fertilizer.
We Unfriended Over 50 People
Some were cousins, aunts or uncles. Others were former co-workers. Still others were ex-girlfriends. Some were casual acquaintances from our over-30 baseball league. Others were bots. Still others were clients. What they had in common was they were all fucked in the head.
We Smoked Pot While We Still Could
We live in a state where it’s legal for medicinal purposes, but probably not for long. That’s a shame, because marijuana really does save lives. If not for the calming effect of the Panama Red we fancy now and again, we might have gone through with some of our more nefarious plans. (See “We Considered Assassinating the President.”)
We Began Building an Underground Bomb Shelter
There is no way we can afford this, but we’re going to make North Korea pay for it.
We Began Moving Money Out of the Stock Market
Due to the coming trade wars, the coming real wars, the imminent expansion of the national debt, renewed reliance on coal, open season on the environment, and a green light for Wall Street to treat investors’ money like a big bag of crystal meth, we started looking at other options. We also started looking at other planets.
We Learned to Live Like a Zombie
It’s hard to sleep when you know the Commander-in-Tweet is up half the night challenging Kim Jong-Un to a duel. By our count we slept at least seven straight hours exactly six times in the 100 day period. And four of those times were during the day. The good news is that chronic sleep loss tends to shorten your life. The bad news is the larger your sleep deficit the more you look like Donald Trump.
We Looked at Property in Costa Rica
Though we have deep multigenerational roots in the United States, the notion of living out our days in a nation hurtling toward political, economic and civic implosion has become less attractive with every executive order. We just have to make sure Jared Kushner isn’t closing a deal on a new Trump hotel, casino, or golf course in our adopted homeland.
We Struggled With Our Taxes
Filling out and paying our taxes was always difficult, but doing it in these first 100 days while knowing the President is a heinous tax evader and scofflaw felt something like cooking a nice Jewish meal for Adolph Hitler.
We Defaced Numerous Bumper Stickers
We usually strike in a parking lot. Sometimes it’s as straightforward as adding a “Dump” above a “Trump” on a Ford F-250 whose owner is inside purchasing ammo at Cabela’s. Other times it’s something more abstract, like writing “Get your GED” below “Make America Great Again.” The important thing is to trigger the vehicle owner to have a fatal aneurysm, thereby offsetting GOP gerrymandering efforts.
We Made Our House into a Sanctuary City
We were never that heavily involved in the legal issues of undocumented immigrants, but we are willing to do literally anything to piss off Jeff Sessions.
We Experienced Suicidal Thoughts
But not for extended periods. The sweet dream of one day spending countless hours on the couch eating nachos and watching the Trump impeachment proceedings on C-SPAN has repeatedly renewed our will to live.