WTF Happened Now? (April 10, 2017)

Donald Trump's dick-waving exercise in Syria might be falling apart, but don't worry, he'll get starting a war with North Korea right. (Seek shelter.)
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Donald Trump

Everybody have a good weekend? Awesome. Here are all the different ways the world lurched towards Armageddon while you hopefully cherished your time with friends and loved ones. Or in my case, let my daughter repeatedly win at Scrabble Junior because there probably won’t be participation trophies in a nuclear winter.

Geronimo!

Syria Continues To Be The Ultimate Dick Move

If it hasn’t been made abundantly clear by now, the strike on Syria was a failure on every possible front. Not only did it accomplish nothing because there were apparently specific orders not to hit the airfield — just the surrounding area filled with civilians — but our president almost definitely profited financially from the strike, and according to military officials, everything was done not to impede the Russian military who may have actually helped Assad carry out the initial chemical attack. On top of that unprecedented level of bullshit, which would’ve had Obama impeached 27 ways to Sunday before Republicans were finished saying “Raytheon,” Nikki Haley demonstrated just how deeply Trump was moved by the death of beautiful little babies by reiterating his stance on banning those beautiful little babies from entering the U.S. Turns out, Donald Trump had absolutely zero policy or plans in place for Syria — See the word salad that flew out of Sean Spicer’s face today — besides impulsively dropping bombs (that boost Trump's stock portfolio) on top of the children he won’t let flee from said bombs. It’s so breathtakingly reckless and stupid, that it makes me afraid to ask what he’s going to do next. Start shit with North Korea?

Trump Started Shit With North Korea

Donald Trump made his big dick-swinging move on Syria shortly after dining with China’s President Xi on Thursday night. But once Xi was safely away from Mar-a-Lago and its ketchup-covered steaks, China immediately began mocking Trump’s first attempt at being a military badass. Which is great because should the US decide to make a move on North Korea, China has to be onboard or we’re looking at World War III if not nuclear war. So naturally our idiot president just moved a Navy strike group towards the Korean peninsula because he clearly thinks China was impressed with his strong man act. Or he wants to win back those sweet Breitbart headlines by pissing in China’s face and dooming us all in the process. Nothing should surprise anyone anymore.

Trump’s Briefings Have Too Many Words In Them

With wars brimming on multiple fronts (see above), probably the most reassuring news anyone can hear is that our president wants more pictures in his intelligence briefings and less words, which is exactly what Trump has requested. At this point, he might as well hire a Fox News anchor to read to him from behind a cardboard TV screen. Bill O’Reilly’s probably going to be available soon.

The Steve Bannon Jared Kushner War Reaches A Truce

By Friday, the war between Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner reached a fever pitch after reports came out that Trump was forcing the two to work out their differences. While it was looking like Bannon was on his way out after being booted from the National Security Council, Breitbart.com immediately went to work publishing negative headlines on Trump to keep their alt-right golden boy and his white nationalistic agenda in the Oval Office, and it worked. As of Monday morning, editors at Breitbart have been instructed to stop posting negative articles about Kushner. As for what Kushner did on his end to leverage a truce, he stayed related to Donald Trump. The kid in charge of negotiating peace in the Middle East, everyone!

On a related note, Karl Rove popped his turd blossom head up to criticize the rampant chaos of Trump’s administration because who doesn’t miss the good old days when Dick Cheney ran everything like Darth Vader with a shotgun? Talk about a corrupt, warmongering government that left countless lives dead in its wake you could set your watch to. Amirite?

There’s Not Going To Be A Wall, The Wall Is Over

While it should’ve been readily apparent the second the words passed through his tangerine asshole lips, Donald Trump’s wall between the United States and Mexico was never going to happen. It clearly defied all logic and reason, and yet, there are still a depressing amount of Americans who genuinely believe he’s going to build it and make Mexico pay for. (The latest horseshit theory is that we’d pursue remittances, which is essentially charging a fee or tax on money wired to Mexico from illegal immigrants in the United States. And if you’re already wondering how the hell that would even be enforced, welcome to why it’s a stupid idea that will never happen.) Over the weekend, Sen. Ron Johnson let it slip that Trump’s wall was “metaphorical,” and Rex Tillerson put a nail in the coffin on making Mexico pay for it. Then again, if you say the word “cuck” on an internet comment thread, it’s like those two events never happened, and I officially wasted time out of my life that I’ll never get back. Political blogging is fun!

SNL Takes The Piss Out Of That Stupid Kendall Jenner Pepsi Ad

Oh, and make sure you read the latest edition of Banter M where Bob Cesca takes Matt Taibbi to task for dropping the ball on Russia gate, Ben Cohen ruins Pepsi for being corporate douchebags, and Justin Rosario explores the dangerously diverging political ideologies in America. It's worth every penny. 

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